We’re going to veer off the sports beat for a couple seconds to focus on three issues that are occupying my mind at the moment: leading contenders to overthrow the Lithuanian government, banjo-playing alligators and the brilliance of seasons 3-8 of “The Simpsons.”

There. Now, we’re going to have a contest. The first person who can turn those issues into a public-parochial school debate will win a $1 gift card from Target. (Official motto: “Like Wal-Mart, but with fewer ugly people.”)

If there’s one thing I’ve learned this football season, it’s that no matter what reporters write — human interest stories, game previews, inter-office memos admonishing pencil thieves — it can be turned into a public-private debate.

Much of this is spurred by Internet chat boards, which allow people to make reasoned, grammatically-flawless arguments using their real names that often persuade other readers to see their point of view. Happens all the time. Ask anyone.

But, some remain unconvinced. And that’s where I come in.

As a respected member of the sports media, who owns not one but two dancing Homer Simpson action figures, I feel it’s my duty to use this column to address this very serious situation, weigh both sides and ... ignore it.

Instead, here are my thoughts on the fall season.

UPlayer of the year: Mooney
senior Dan McCarthy.

His sterling play through 12 weeks — he led the team in rushing and was one of the leaders of the area’s best defense — was enough to clinch this award from me, but I was particularly impressed with how well he handled his season-ending neck injury, doing everything he could to help his teammates over the last three weeks, even if it meant just being a cheerleader on the sidelines.

Runner-up: Michael Zordich, Mooney. A warrior on both sides of the ball.

jCoach of the year: Tom Pavlansky, Lakeview.

Before the season started, I picked the Bulldogs to finish fourth in the Trumbull Athletic Conference. (I also picked Howland to finish fourth in the Metro Athletic Conference. I’m like a psychic.) After starting the year 1-2, Pavlansky led the Bulldogs to nine straight wins, a league title and berth in the regional championship game.

Runner-up: Boardman’s D.J. Ogilvie. After going 4-26 the last three years, the Spartans went 7-3 in the regular season and won their first playoff game since 1999.

UGame of the year: Coldwater’s 28-27 victory over Mooney in the Division IV state final. (Sorry Cardinals fans.)

Simply put, it was the biggest upset I’ve seen in my seven years here. The game had everything you could want — high stakes, momentum shifts, big plays, trick plays and a dramatic ending — except, of course, a Mooney win.

UBest band: Boardman. I enjoyed its Bruce Springsteen homage. And I don’t even like Springsteen.

Runner-up: Poland, although I only heard the Bulldogs during the Canfield game, when they were forced to play from the stands instead of on the field.

I’d also like to again praise South Range’s band directors for allowing the students to wear maroon polo shirts and shorts instead of the dorktacular uniforms that are inflicted upon most teenagers. I’m of the opinion that people should never wear large hats with feathers or shoes with buckles unless they work in Colonial Williamsburg.

(I also wonder if band members secretly hate it when their schools make the football playoffs, thus forcing them to play “Brick House” by the Commodores for the 537th time while stomping around in 10-degree weather.)

UTen favorite players to watch:

Liberty running back Fitzgerald Toussaint (who is not only electric, but was also nice enough to do about 50 backflips for a Blitz photo shoot earlier in the year); Columbiana quarterback Ryan Williams (not the biggest kid, but plays with a ton of heart); East linebacker Gary Thornton (see previous answer); Crestview quarterback Tony Britton (I thought he was the best player on the field against South Range); Ursuline quarterback Lamar McQueen (one of the best stories of the year, winning two games at Wilson in two years then leading the Irish to the state final); Mooney running back Brandon Beachum (terrific balance, power and vision; I hope Penn State plays him on offense); Mooney defensive end Taylor Hill (Coldwater’s game plan in the state finals was, basically, to get rid of the ball so quickly it wouldn’t have to block Hill); Howland senior linebacker Eric Jones (who was so emotional during the Canfield game that he started crying on the sidelines); Mooney quarterback/corner/do-everything-guy Tim Marlowe (who poured his heart into every game); and Boardman running back Damien Jarrett (who is at least five times better than you expect him to be).

UFive favorite athletes to interview:

Warren JFK cross country runner Audrey Maheu (interviews with Maheu consist of asking one question, then stopping her as soon as your notebook is filled up); Mathews defensive end Eric Ocheltree (crazy hair and a good sense of humor, particularly about himself); Boardman volleyball player Danielle Williams (who granted me an interview while she was crying and managed to be coherent and interesting); Ursuline lineman Dan Baco (well-spoken, intelligent and gracious to his opponent); and Zordich (who still managed to be interesting despite getting interviewed after every game).

UFive players I wish I could have seen this year, but didn’t:

Niles running back Nate Ganyard, Hubbard quarterback Marc Kanetsky, Mineral Ridge running back A.J. Zitello, Youngstown Christian quarterback Randy Triplett and Warren JFK running back Jared Province.

UFive favorite coaches to interview:

Columbiana’s Bob Spaite (there’s not a reporter alive who doesn’t love this man); Lakeview’s Tom Pavlansky (who gave some heartwarming answers to questions about his father’s death even though it was clearly an uncomfortable subject for him); Poland’s Mark Brungard (friendly, gracious, interesting and professional); East’s Brian Shaner (no one returns phone calls faster) and Mooney coach P.J. Fecko (who never actually says anything interesting on the record but has gotten much better about returning phone calls).

And, finally …

U The five quotes I loved the most:

U Maheu, on sprinting the final 50 yards to win a regional cross country title: “I knew if I fell across the finish line, someone would pick me up and tear the tag off me.”

UZordich, on getting the Cardinals into scoring position, then watching other players score touchdowns: “I’m used to it. I get the hard, rough yards and then the tailback and the quarterback get all the glory.”

UUrsuline senior Ross Revella, on playing in the state championship game: “My stomach was churning the whole entire game. I thought I was going to throw up before the game, halftime, fourth quarter.”

USpaite, on a 34-14 loss to South Range: “It was like being in a gunfight with a knife.”

UPavlansky, on his father: “I miss my dad incredibly. Football allows me to feel closer to him.”

scalzo@vindy.com