With all these near-death experiences you'd think, we'll, I'd think that my level of understanding and acceptance would be better-yet the more near-death experiences that I have, the less I understand and the sadder I become when death strikes one so close to me.

I know that muscles get stronger after being broken down again and again-that's how we 'build' muscle. We repeat exercises until our muscles break down or burn, then the muscles get stronger and stronger. For example to build up our biceps we do more curls w/ more and more repetitions and / or more weight and the bicep muscle gets *stronger*-so why is it that this recent near death experience has made me so sad ? Is it that w/ each experience my feelings, my sadness gets stronger???- I DON'T want that ! I want to be more of a man and handle my sadness w/o *SO* many tears.

Why don't I have greater understanding w/ each near death experience?

I want, I YEARN to better understand life,death, reality and faith, yet the more experience, the more near death experiences, the more unanswered questions.

How could I be holding her-watching her breathe softly and minutes later- I am holding a 'life'-less body ? Is that it? If not, where did *she* go? Why don't my tears on her soft face wake her ?

Ok, I know one of the let's call them *comforting* answers of faith : If I knew that there was a peaceful place to unite after death-why stay here? Why wait ? Why watch suffering ? Why fail at preventing suffering? Hey-WHY SUFFER ??? Ah, be faith-full, full o' faith and be rewarded, be united w/ those who were near and dear to you. (ok-so the difference between belief and faith...)

Oh, yeah, and why do we say that we LoveD someone? Why past tense ? My LOVE hasn't died w/their death. I know because I feel it so deeply-TOO deeply.......