*Louie,*


*I just took a shower and haven't scrubbed like that since I was little and used to try to scrub and scrub the molestation off of me- but no matter how much I scrubbed, I couldn't get 'it' off of me.*


*That's how I felt in the shower today, just couldn't get 'it' off. The difference today is that I'm trying to scrub me away. 'Guess I'm spending too much time recounting the mistakes of my life- I took too many roads less traveled, that , for some reason or reasons, I felt the need to go down, yeah, down. Oh, that different drummer, oh that different drummer...
Why I felt compelled to dance to that beat, that different drummer - that reason or reasons-elusive to me, but here I am.*

*One of my few friends recently said to me : " hey, I don't know if we ever, totally , get over the abuse issues..." Ok, but when does the self abuse end? Yeah, I know, when we want it to...
Do we sit it out in a jail cell, or that self - imposed cell somewhere in our heads?*

*Right now, I just need to stay away from mirrors. Pretty bad when you can't stand the sight of yourself.*

*So,Louie. when, no, how does it get better? At this stage in life, no more chances. No more mistakes as my mistake-account is so overdrawn. I don't even know if I have time to rectify past mistakes so that I can move forward.*

*Move forward? Right now, I don't even know what that means.*

*BTW, next time, I'll tell you,Louie, how almost everything seems to be tumbling down , all at once.*