Ed Puskas: Of wins, opossum and uniforms

There will be no 0-16 parade around FirstEnergy Stadium in January.

There won’t even be an 0-15-1 parade.

The Cleveland Browns won a game.

No, the event was not accompanied by floods, earthquakes or any other natural disasters.

As far as we know, the momentous occasion of the Browns’ first victory since Dec. 24, 2016 also was not accompanied by a Rapture-like event.

(If it was, and I’m still writing this and you’re still reading it, I guess we’re out of luck.)

The formula for winning was so simple, it seems difficult to fathom the Browns went 635 days without getting it right:

1. Score some points.

2. Give up fewer points than you score.

3. Continue that until time runs out.

4. Block and tackle better than the other team.

5. Have a kicker who kicks the ball straight.

6. Have a quarterback who doesn’t throw the ball to the other team.

7. Run the ball for positive yards.

8. Don’t inexplicably snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in sickening fashion in the final moments.

Mission accomplished, Browns.

Free beer — held hostage in coolers across Cleveland for weeks — was unleashed to Browns fans among us without the benefit of good taste in said beverage.

As an aside, one of my favorite tweets about the Browns’ long-awaited victory came courtesy of one Andrew J. Tobias, who opined:

“The greatest trick Bud Light ever pulled was getting thousands of people excited to drink their terrible beer.”

Call me a beer snob, because I am one and I’ll answer to that moniker. The last Browns-related beer I consumed was during that last Cleveland victory on Christmas Eve almost two years ago. It cost $11 at what used to be known as The Factory of Sadness.

That beer cost more than my ticket.

Another favorite vignette was the clip of a Browns fan holding a live opossum by the tail in the stands. I’d have expected to see that first at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh, but in this case the opossum was not on the menu.

I knew right then I should have trademarked the term “Victory Opossum” but I was on deadline. By Friday morning, someone far more enterprising was already selling t-shirts.

And speaking of apparel, you can be sure Baker Mayfield’s No. 6 jersey is a hot seller.

Fate — in the form of an injury to starting quarterback Tyrod Taylor — forced the Browns to abandon their plan to have Mayfield watch and learn.

No offense to Taylor, but Mayfield was far more effective in the Browns’ 21-17 victory over the New York Jets. He came in cold, but quickly got hot and delivered darts all over the field on four consecutive scoring drives.

It was only one game and a small sample against a Jets team that isn’t very good, but Mayfield appeared more than ready for the opportunity.

And so did the defense, which has been terrific every week so far.

Maybe it’s the uniforms. Anyone else think the color rush jerseys are far better than the Browns’ regular garb?

Write Vindicator Sports Editor Ed Puskas at epuskas@vindy.com and follow him on Twitter, @EdPuskas_Vindy.