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What you see today is unprecedented in history, psychologist tells Boardman parents
BOARDMAN
Sheepish smiles, nodding heads and outright laughter filled Glenwood Middle School’s auditorium as Dr. Ray Guarendi, clinical psychologist, author and nationally syndicated radio host, talked humorously about the serious topic of good parenting.
“To be a good parent, love your kids with all your might and discipline them with all your will,” Guarendi said to the 100-150 parents who attended his presentation Thursday, “You’re a Better Parent Than You Think,” also the title of one of his best-known books, which is in its 28th printing.
The first part, loving, is not hard ... disciplining not so much, said Guarendi of North Canton, who previously worked at the Counseling Center of Columbiana County and has worked with school districts, Head Start programs, substance abuse program, in-patient psychiatric centers, juvenile courts and in private practice.
“What you’re witnessing in parenting is unprecedented in history. The big people [parents] are being controlled by the small people [their kids],” he said.
Guarendi, who has 10 children, all adopted, pulled no punches.
“If you want to hurt a kid real badly, don’t discipline – you are turning your child over to the judge, the military, the police, and our children will be crushed,” he said.
What is so difficult about discipline is the repetition.
“You have to do it 50,000 times the first five years ... if you want to be able to say when they are 22, ‘There they are, compassionate, responsible, mature, moral adults,’” Guarendi said.
He advised a technique he called “the blackout.”
At its essence, the blackout involves taking from children, starting with electronics, and going so far as denying favorite foods, not washing their clothes or providing transportation – everything but love and food, he said.
He also has definite opinions on dating and cell phones.
The time to talk to children about dating is when they are moral and trustworthy.
On cellphones, he cited statistics from a survey: 90 percent of children who have cellphones between age 11 and 13 are sexually active by the time they are high-school seniors; at 14, 50 percent are sexually active by their senior year; and at 16, 20 percent are sexually active by the their senior year.
Giving children cellphones is giving them access to everything in the world when they are too immature. Either get them a flip-phone without access to the Internet or block everything on a smart phone, Guarendi advised.
“You have to be vigilant in ways parents didn’t have to be 20 years ago. I’m strong on cellphones because they have burned so many kids and parents,” he said.
Speaking to the dads in the audience, Guarendi said he is hearing from more and more women that they are doing most of the disciplining of children.
“Guys, protect that woman. You’d never let anybody else talk bad about her or to her. You say to your kids, ‘That’s not just your mom, that’s my wife,’” he said, drawing a laugh while discussing what he sees as a serious issue.
“It’s important for parents to stand their ground regardless of external influences. It’s important to stop bargaining and say what you mean and mean what you say,” said audience member Carrie Rea of Canfield, a mother of four from 2 to 9.
Guarendi was invited to speak at Glenwood by the Boardman Council of Parent Teachers Association, a service and advocacy organization for parents and students, said Janet Shannon Holdridge, council president.
“Sometimes we don’t take enough time for good parenting. This program gives a parents a boost and lets them know they are not alone,” Holdridge said.