Designs of the season

By Gina Barreca

The Hartford Courant

Who will you be this Christmas? What are you going as this Hanukkah? How are you going to dress for Kwanzaa? Do you have a groovy getup for Festivus?

Since major holidays rarely encourage us to be ourselves, here are a few suggestions for official costumes.

I predict this season’s top sellers will be:

The disgruntled voter. Both winners and losers from the latest election cycle are fighting over who looks better in this one-size-fits-all design. A version of a political Snuggie, the disgruntled voter outfit will wrap you up in bitterness and make it difficult to shift your position. It keeps you fully insulated and makes staying exactly where you are astonishingly easy. It permits its wearer to burrow even more deeply into place without any distractions when outfitted with headphones that can be tuned either to Fox News or MSNBC. (Fake news sources are also available for a price: The price is the cost of your soul.) It keeps its wearer in a larva-like state before and after the holiday transition period.

TV series aficionado. You will recognize this costume by its trademark black T-shirt, tight pants and short boots. This TVSA will explain why “The Affair,” “Westworld,” “Black Mirror,” “The Night Of,” “Stranger Things,” “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” and “Transparent” are great shows but will not permit you to discuss “Modern Family,” “The Crown” or that really funny old episode of “The Simpsons” where Marge buys the Chanel suit. They’ll explain why those shows could have been better with more sophisticated showrunners, writers, costumers and editors. When asked, the indefatigable TVSA will discuss their own experience in “the industry,” which was a three-month internship several years ago. They will also discuss that experience when not asked.

The American. Regardless of political party, we could all do as my friend Barbara Cooley says she’ll do and go as an American. According to Barbara, although her American outfit doesn’t necessarily include wearing red, white, and blue, it does include “appreciating what each brings to the table, treating them all with respect and pretending to live in a free country without a Cabinet full of deplorables. It also includes drinking plenty of wine. Plenty. Of. Wine.”

If you can’t go as an American, you could, as my friend Dave Hanley suggests, always go dressed as a good buddy of the new president-elect: “I’m going as Putin. He seems to get what he wants for the holidays.” (I figured Hanley is already on an FBI list somewhere, so I felt comfortable putting this in.)

The perfectionist. The perfectionist will be seen at a distance because she (or he, but usually she) will always be somewhere dimly lit, wiping crumbs or dust from a counter. If you’re lucky, she might also be putting glasses on coasters.

(Why don’t people use coasters? I have 2,336 coasters in my house, and when we have people over, maybe four of my sophisticated friends will use them. The rest of them will put their wet glasses down right next to these coasters. Why does this always happen? I’m asking a serious question here, and I am not a perfectionist. Now back to our regularly scheduled column.)

The most popular costume of all is my pal Jennifer Cail’s: “A harried mom trying to honor all of the religious, cultural and dietary traditions in the family. Like all good garments, my hair shirt goes with everything.”

Whatever outfit you choose this holiday, remember to wear a smile.

Gina Barreca is an English professor at the University of Connecticut and the author of “If You Lean In, Will Men Just Look Down Your Blouse?” and eight other books. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.