Try letting it run its course

Dear Annie: I am currently in a two-year relationship with “Alison.” Both of us are recently divorced.

During Alison’s marriage, she became a confidante to “Will.” They have remained friends, and she insists nothing of a sexual nature ever happened.

When we first got together, Will was in a new relationship and had limited contact with Alison. However, eight months ago, that relationship ended. Now he and Alison text each other multiple times a day, all day long. He lives with his parents, and Alison stops by a couple of times a month to visit with his family.

Will has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be around me at all. Every time he gets into trouble, Alison is right there to help. At least once every few weeks, he drives 15 miles to eat at the restaurant where she works.

I am not sure how to handle this friendship. I trust Alison, or I would have left already. Any advice, or am I foolish?

N.

Dear N.: There is nothing wrong with having friendships, even those that include confidences. The problem is when one person’s significant other is unwelcome and entirely excluded from these relationships and the confidences shared are intimate and interfere with the primary relationship.

We think Will is a bit possessive of Alison, but that shouldn’t alarm you. Does Alison show you his texts? She should (but you do not need to comment on them).

If you trust her and she is not hiding anything from you, we’d let this run its course. It is important, however, that Alison understands the boundaries of this friendship so she isn’t leading Will on or damaging her relationship with you.

Dear Annie: I take both Pilates and yoga classes. One student loves to chew gum during class. It was ingrained in me by my father that loudly chewing gum is considered bad manners. I find it hard to concentrate when she is popping and chomping away on her gum. Any suggestions on how to get her to stop?

Cringing in Exercise Class

Dear Cringing: People do a lot of boorish things during exercise classes. Perhaps the gum helps her concentrate or keeps her from having a dry mouth. She probably isn’t aware of how loud and annoying it is. Unfortunately, you cannot eliminate all behaviors that drive you crazy. You can, however, register a complaint with the instructor, move into a different class or ask the woman nicely whether she can make the gum chewing less noisy.

Dear Annie: I’m responding to “Outvoted,” who is caring for her abusive mother and arguing with her siblings about replacing the batteries in Mom’s pacemaker.

I, too, have been a caregiver for a person with dementia who became verbally abusive. Another option is to seek the assistance of a geriatric psychiatric professional. He or she can prescribe medication that will calm the abusive tendencies and allow the siblings to care for their mother in her home with much less stress.

Been There

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