PUSKAS: Gift advice for naughty and nice

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Of course, with some of us finishing our shopping in t-shirts and shorts this week, it hasn’t felt much like the holiday season.

Christmas in the desert, maybe.

I think it’s been warmer here than the three holiday weeks I spent in metro Phoenix for Ohio State bowl games in 2002-03, 2005-06 and 2006-07.

But as I learned this week, 60-degree weather in December doesn’t get me off the hook for presents, even if it doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Once again, I failed to keep my promise to do all my shopping online to avoid the last-minute mall crowds and — worse — those in the Mahoning Valley for whom good, lawful driving is a skill they’ve not quite mastered.

But my daily commute proves those people aren’t just out during the holidays, so my annual Christmas list starts with them. I hope Santa Claus takes care of everyone below:

MAHONING VALLEY DRIVERS

Gift: Lessons.

In the name of all that is holy, get the worst of these people lessons. Or get them off the road.

You know who they are: Speeders, tailgaters, texters, Sunday drivers and more. Just the other day, I ran into (almost) a serious multi-tasker. He tailgated me, passed on the right, signaled to me that I was No. 1 and slammed on his brakes while in front of me after I honked my objections to his driving ... all while talking on a cell phone.

I have trouble driving and listening to the radio at the same time, so this guy was impressive.

It takes all kinds to get from Howland to Youngstown and back and I seem to attract the worst of them the way the Cleveland Browns attract horrible, gut-wrenching ways to lose.

There are even multiple kinds of texters, including those who do so at 85-90 mph and those who hold up traffic at 45 mph while exchanging LOLs and OMGs with their BFFs.

Either way, get some lessons or get out of our way.

CLEVELAND BROWNS

Gift: Where do we start?

Seriously, what do you get the team that needs almost everything?

Let’s start with a new general manager. Ray Farmer? Thanks for almost nothing.

Head coach? That depends on the day. During the week, I tend to like Mike Pettine. It’s just those pesky three hours on Sunday when he often coaches like a guy whose name was drawn in a raffle to stand on the Browns’ sideline.

I’ve seen sportswriters who stroll into the press box halfway through the second quarter with better time management skills than Pettine has shown. He has also shown a puzzling disdain for the most talented quarterback on his roster.

But if a pink slip does show up under Pettine’s Christmas tree, it will be because his defense — the NFL’s highest-paid unit — has performed like a slab of orange swiss cheese. These Browns couldn’t keep a sportswriter off the buffet line.

JOHNNY MANZIEL

Gifts: Two more injury-free games to show the Browns what he can do and the ability to make good decisions on and — perhaps most important — off the field.

On the field, there has been no comparison between the Manziel of 2014 and the current version. Barring a meltdown off the field the next couple of weeks or in the offseason, I’m inclined to go into 2016 with Johnny Football as the starting QB. There is likely to be a reset in the front office and perhaps with the coaching staff. Believe it or not, QB is far from the Browns’ biggest problem.

I’m certainly not in favor of dumping Manziel in a trade for a fifth-round draft pick and then watching him continue to grow for some other team.

JIMMY HASLAM

Gift: The mythical Pittsburgh Steelers mojo he was supposed to bring with him after years as one of the team’s minority owners.

Have you seen it since Haslam bought the Browns from Randy Lerner? That’s what I thought. Maybe it’s collecting dust in a drawer in Haslam’s old office.

At this point, I’d settle for Haslam — like Manziel — just making better decisions. Start with firing the right people after the season finale against the Steelers.

CLEVELAND CAVALIERS

Gifts: Good health, another trip to the NBA Finals and someone to match up with Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green. Oh, and a victory today against Golden State in an otherwise meaningless December NBA game.

Everyone knows the NBA season doesn’t really start until February.

Steph Curry and Klay Thompson are going to make shots, but the Warriors don’t win the title last year without Green.

They also might not win it without the Cavaliers’ Kevin Love and Kyrie Irving getting hurt at the worst possible time.

CLEVELAND INDIANS

Gifts: Bats and talented people to swing them.

The Indians’ starting rotation — barring a trade over the winter — is better than what a lot of playoff contenders can run out there.

But the Indians lost too many 3-1 kind of games in 2015. The problem is that it might take parting with one of those power arms to get a middle-of-the-order hitter.

OHIO STATE BUCKEYES

Gift: Another victory in the desert against Notre Dame.

Not that Urban Meyer will need outside help. How many of the four teams in this season’s College Football Playoff are relieved they won’t have contend with the Buckeyes? Every single one of them.

The Fighting Irish are not as good as their national ranking suggests. But how is that different than any other recent year?

INTERNET TROLLS

Gift: Stairs, so they can finally escape their parents’ basements.

Just kidding. I didn’t mean to impugn all the good people who still live at home for one reason or another.

EVERYONE

Gifts: Good will and peace on Earth, as unlikely as it is to happen.

We can still hope, right? I’ll start by being nicer to the trolls.

I’ll try, anyway.

Hey, at least they’re in their parents’ basements instead of on the roads.

OK, I’m going to be nice ... starting now.

Write Vindicator Sports Editor Ed Puskas at epuskas@vindy.com and follow him on Twitter, @EdPuskas_Vindy.