TRAFICANT QUOTABLES | Best lines in the House

Ex-U.S. Rep. James A. Traficant Jr.’s legacy included his often colorful, funny, outrageous and clever comments, particularly on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives. Here are some of his highlights.

“Now NASA is on an unmanned space mission to the moon. I think NASA should redirect and have an unmanned space mission to Washington, D.C., and try to find out if there is any intelligent life left in the nation’s capital.”

“Reports say that China is two-timing Uncle Sam big time. With one hand China slaps Uncle Sam on the back and wishes us well in Afghanistan. With the other hand China sells missiles and weapons to Iran and Iraq, and continues to funnel support under the table to the Taliban. Bottom line, China continues to aid and abet our enemies. Beam me up. I yield back the fact that the Taliban are a fly on our face, but China is a dragon eating our assets.”

“The IRS said last year’s 81 percent error rate dropped to only 73 percent this past year. Unbelievable. The Internal Rectal Service screws up 73 percent of the time and then brags about it. If that is not enough to cause your 1040 to crepitate, IRS agents gave the wrong advice to taxpayers only 50 percent of the time last year, according to an investigation. Beam me up. The IRS does not need more workers; the IRS does not need more money. These stumbling, fumbling, bumbling mistake-prone nincompoops have got to go.”

“Mr. Speaker, last week a girl was crowned prom king in Washington. This week we learn a whole new classification term for men and women: transgenders. That is right, transgenders. Ohio University has designated 30 restrooms as transgender-type restrooms, able to be used by both men and women at the same time. They are officially called unisex restrooms. Unbelievable. What is next? Unisex locker rooms with thong/jock support dispensers? How about Maxipad vending machines in locker rooms? Beam me up. I yield back this higher education business as yet simply getting high.”

“Mr. Speaker, poll after poll suggests a growing problem in America. Many Americans do not trust the federal government. Pollsters keep trying to figure it out. I believe it is not all that complicated. In my opinion, the American people in growing numbers do not trust the federal government because many Americans believe that the Federal Government does not always tell the truth. The pollsters can constipate all they want over this issue. This is no brain surgery. It is very simple. No truth, no trust. Trust and truth are inseparable. I yield back Waco, Ruby Ridge, Pan Am 103, and Camelot.”

“The U.S. Park Service built a $500,000 outhouse. That is right. This Taj Mahal has a slate roof, a porch, and a cobblestone foundation. The paint cost $80 a gallon. The wildflower seed was $720 a pound. Unbelievable. To boot, it is earthquake proof, able to withstand the shock of 6.5 on the Richter, either from without or within.”

“In America we have record trade deficits, record bankruptcies, record debt, consolidations, downsizing, more American jobs keep going overseas, a schizophrenia stock market, all symptoms of a major economic problem in America. After all this, the experts say American taxpayers must keep sending more money to the International Monetary Fund to prop up foreign countries to avert disaster. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker. When American dollars end up in the pockets of foreign politicians who then vote against America at the United Nations, something is wrong with this policy, very wrong.”

“The school prayer issue is out of control, literally. Students in Pennsylvania were prohibited from handing out Christmas cards. ... Now if that is not enough to find coal in your athletic supporter, check this out: A school board in Georgia removed the word ‘Christmas’ from their school calendar because the ACLU threatened to sue. Beam me up. If this is religious freedom, I am a fashion model for GQ.”