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Women don't leave bad relationships because they think they can fix them
YOUNGSTOWN
The video of professional football player Ray Rice beating his then-fiancee into unconsciousness did not increase the calls for help from domestic-violence victims in the tri-county area, local experts said.
“We have received no more calls than usual. However, it has brought national attention to what normal women victims can go through,” said Malinda Gavins, program director for Sojourner House, a shelter for domestic-violence victims in Mahoning County.
Difficulty in escaping an abusive relationship is something domestic-violence victims have in common, said Beth Schmitt, program manager for Christina House, a domestic-victims shelter in Columbiana County.
When the abuse begins, the victims always think they can change what is happening to them because the abuser is not the person they fell in love with, Schmitt said.
“The abuser is very apologetic and claims it will never happen again. ... Things are good for a while [called the honeymoon period], and then the tension and abuse resumes, often escalated,” she said.
One of the most-common traits of domestic-violence victims is that she is blamed.
“‘Why did she stay in the abusive relationship?’ people ask, when the question should be ‘Why did he batter her?’” Gavins said.
“We need to do a better job of letting victims know that they are not to blame; and that once he hits her, she needs to leave and know that there are resources out there to help her,” Gavins added.
Trouble escaping abusive relationships also can be about lack of money or hoping to fix the relationship for the sake of the children. Fear of retaliation also can be a factor, Schmitt said.
In the Rice situation, he really just got a slap on the wrist, Gavins said.
“We need to recognize that domestic violence is felony,” she said. “Many times it is plea-bargained down [in the courts], and the abuser gets a slap on the wrist and is sent to anger-management classes.”
Signs of abuse can include not coming to work or other places victims normally frequent, and they become withdrawn.
“Abusers try to isolate the victim and end contact with family and friends,” Schmitt said.