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Cheese and loathing in suburbia
Editor’s note: The author is a Youngstown-based comedian. He is headlining a free show at Belleria Pizza in Cornersburg on March 23 with feature act Shane Herman.
By Matt Liller
The empty storefronts throughout some of Youngstown’s suburbs have come to resemble the missing slats in a decayed picket fence.
However, a savior is here to fill these vacancies, and she comes bearing strobe lights, comfy chairs and free snacks.
Welcome to the low-stakes world of Internet caf s.
This is your guide to leisurely winning a small fortune while eating complimentary loose meat sandwiches.
Sporting five establishments in under two miles, a stretch of Market Street and Route 224 to Tippecanoe Road in Boardman is practically Monaco wrapped in the Las Vegas Strip wrapped in bacon.
Legal necromancy designates the games in these caf s as predetermined sweepstakes, landing them in the nether region between casino, keno and bingo. Players purchase gaming credits, swipe a card, play slot machine-like software and redeem their winnings in cash.
But let’s not get wrapped up in the legality of these operations. This is a handbook for the fun stuff, like perks, winning money, delightful atmosphere and hot dogs.
There are so many hot dogs for you to eat.
Besides, Mary, the concierge at Surf the World, summed it up best while explaining the system to a pair of new gamers in their 60s. “Have you ever played slot machines, like in Vegas?” she asked. “It is like that,” adding, “We are about to order a pizza. What would you guys like on it?”
Most Internet caf s are the same. Everyone seemingly has a good time and looks pleasantly sedated. Therefore, I did some complicated statistical analysis to properly evaluate these five establishments. Rankings are based on the range of diabetic glucose levels, with 10 mg/dL signifying unconsciousness and 200 mg/dL being intensely elevated with possible heart palpitations. As a matter of fairness, I spent the same amount of money and time in each establishment and went around the same time of day.
We will start on the far end of Route 224 and move toward Market Street:
Surf the World
Surf the World is the big kid on the block. It even advertises on billboards. Wow! It is a homey environment due in part to it being a former wing of the Satari Assisted Living Center. In fact, there is a paved path leading to the current facility that is even plowed in the winter, which really seems like cheating when you think about it.
There are three separate rooms for gaming, two small and one large, and a nice common area with a good selection of food. The hot nacho cheese dispenser just encourages me to pour cheese on everything: sloppy joes, pizza, my phone. The computer I’m playing on malfunctions, perhaps from having nacho cheese poured on it. This is not a problem because it is a slow day and I have an entire room to myself. I just move to the next computer.
Rating: 175 mg/dL; pretty great — increased heart rate, perspiration.
Bottom Line: The payout was not huge, but I did receive a voucher toward a future visit, which is as close to getting comped as you’re going to get in an Internet caf . On Wednesdays, when most seniors come, gamers receive $25 in points for $20.
Lucky’s Caf
If you feel the need to hang out in a depressive’s living room and your aunt with the overflowing litter box isn’t answering your phone calls again, Lucky’s Caf is probably open. And just like at your aunt’s house, you should help out by watering some of the dying plants and straightening up the Redbook magazines spread out in front of the pleather couch.
I eat Little Debbie snacks with some of the regulars while watching the Cooking Channel and doing some mouse clicking. None of us seem to be doing so well.
Perhaps the most unfortunate thing about this caf is that it is located next door to a Mexican restaurant and has only a single unisex restroom on premises.
Rating: 75 mg/dL; below average — close to a medically-induced siesta.
Bottom Line: I left with less than half the money I put in. There is a difference in the gaming computers, but the concierge had difficulty explaining it. There is a card-pull on Tuesdays and Thursdays that can lead to some substantial winnings. You also can win a Snuggie, which is fitting.
Global Internet
Global Internet has all the charm of a visit to the Department of Motor Vehicles. This is convenient because it is located next to the DMV in the Boardman Plaza. The “No Hoods” sign on the door leaves you with the feeling that you may get robbed at any moment but also reassures you that you won’t be distracted from your games by wandering Ku Klux Klan members.
There are a fair amount of players this afternoon keeping the heavily tattooed young man with questionable facial hair (Hitler mustache, really?) very busy. This may be the last place on the planet still receiving broadcasts of the “Jerry Springer Show.” It is on three of the five televisions just being flaunted in my face.
Rating: 40 mg/dL; dire — looking for defibrillator paddles; may lose a foot.
Bottom Line: This was my smallest payout. Although I saw no one smoking around me, I left smelling like smoke. This could be a side effect of being located next door to the Havana House. There were no gaming perks or food aside from two lonely bags of Andy Capp Hot Fries sitting on the counter.
Internet Sweepstakes
This caf is situated in the shadow of the Grand Buffet sign on Market Street and is a stone’s throw from Boardman High School — don’t go worrying there is a “21 and Over” sign on the door. The flashing lights outside illuminate some discarded scratch-off lottery tickets partially hidden in the January snow on the sidewalk.
It is busy for a midweek afternoon. The occupied computers add to the claustrophobic feeling inside. The floorplan is condensed compared to others, and it is dark and uninviting. Popular country music mixes with the hypnotizing din of mouse clicks and whizzing of simulated slot machines.
Here, gamers put points on phone cards. The cards can be used to make phone calls as well, presumably. All this is explained without any winking or nodding, so it is likely legitimate.
Rating: 100 mg/dL; average — some blurred vision.
Bottom line: Losses were minor. I recouped 60 percent of my money and helped myself to a fountain drink and some tubed meat sitting motionless on a hot-dog roller. There is also a popcorn maker and a very small plate of cookies. There seem to be drawings to win more gaming points, but it was not explained. I was not offered any perks or special offers.
The Sweepstakes Club
Also located on Market Street, the Sweepstakes Club is sandwiched between the Southern Park Mall and Boardman Center Middle School — again, stop worrying! It is a short Rascal mobility scooter ride from the Christian Bookstore in the Fashion Square Plaza.
Aesthetically, it is a nice-looking place on the inside. With its faux-wood floors, wall art and bright paint, it could pass for a coffee shop if you squint hard enough. The staff is nice, and the computers seem well-maintained.
Gamers manually enter the code on a receipt instead of swiping a card.
It must be a particularly slow day, so I have free reign over the spread of minestrone soup and boiled hot dogs with no condiments in sight. I take a complimentary can of soda.
Rating: 140 mg/dL; above average — slight numbness.
Bottom Line: I had the most luck here and left the building up a substantial amount. As a first-time player, I received extra gaming points. The staff mentioned upcoming sweepstakes events and a referral program for earning extra points.