Share stories during life

As a minister, I’m sometimes asked to provide ministerial coverage for other ministers when they are traveling or away from their congregations.

Occasionally someone in that congregation passes away, and I’m expected to provide a memorial or funeral service for someone I did not know.

This happened recently with a woman who I’ll call Mary, a centenarian, who passed peacefully after a long illness. In a few short days, I did what I could to learn about Mary’s life, find readings, write a eulogy, and create a memorial service that might be worthy of her.

It’s a challenge to sum up the life of a person one has never met, before a congregation one does not know, in a church one has never been inside, but I had great help, and Mary’s family and friends contributed stories, some funny and some poignant.

A congregant told me afterward how little he knew of the rich and complex life of this fellow church member, and how he wished we could have heard Mary’s stories sooner, when she was alive. It’s a sentiment I often hear.

How can we tell these stories to each other without having to save them up for others to tell after we die? Certainly, I have heard of the occasional person who had a memorial service while they were still living, (as in the movie, “Get Low”) but this just seems a bit morbid.

Sharing our stories while we are living can be a lovely thing, but it’s tricky.

We sometimes share stories at birthday parties, or at roasts, but often with an edge of admonishment: “you’re good, but you can be better.” Most of us do not like to hear this, certainly not in public. We’d really prefer the story of our life to be presented in IMax 3-D with 6.1 Point-Source Sound.

At a memorial service, it’s a little too late for all that.

At best, we can hope that the truth be shared about us, and that others might learn from our lives.

One of the gifts of a religious community is to create safe spaces where we can share our lives with others.

We can talk about our stories — even the hard ones — in small groups and classes and workshops, or with friends we come to trust.

Some of us may even reach the point where we are ready to share certain stories with the congregation during worship; these can be inspiring and touching.

As we tell the stories of our life, what sometimes happens is that they begin to change.

What we thought was the truth about something might no longer seem so real.

Or we find we’ve neglected other details of a story, and they come back to us.

We may realize our weaknesses don’t define us in the way we thought they did. Or that others see us differently — maybe with more humor and joy — than we see in ourselves.

Our stories can lead to spiritual transformation — for ourselves as much as for others. They illuminate the divinity within each of us. They help us build spiritual community. Let’s not save them for our memorial services. Let’s find ways to tell our stories while we’re living.

The Rev. Matt Alspaugh is pastor of Unitarian Universalist Church in Youngstown.