Just say no to ‘330’

We’re mired in some of the harshest debate in our adult lives.

Private citizens despise public workers’ benefits; public workers hate Republican governors.

School districts want more tax dollars to teach our children; many citizens do not want to pay more taxes.

All of this comes down to one simple issue:

The economy.

If we had more money, like we did in the ’90s, private citizens would be oblivious to the 100 percent health-care coverage for public workers — and their cousins.

There would be boot allowances — and undergarment allowance — to all engineers’ office workers.

Each county attorney could get his or her own secretary. (Two for Paul Gains — one for each side of the brain.)

If we had more money, all would be swell.

Thus I, as a simple citizen, hereby propose SB 330.

It will reduce the high-cost drain on our telecommunications systems. It will generate an immediate savings in corporate materials expenses. The eight-hour workday will gain 97 minutes in employee efficiency. And the bill specifically targets the Mahoning Valley, which I know is important to us.

(Since this is official legislation, I know I have to have a “be it resolved.” That comes here:)

Be it resolved, effective April 1, 2011, all communications in the Mahoning Valley, when engaged with someone within same Mahoning Valley, no longer will have to include in that communication the numbers “330.”

The slogan is “Just say no to 3-3-Oh.”

I calculated the lost work time I’ve incurred this week due to the unnecessary use of 330, and it totaled up to 1,042 hours and 32 minutes and two Starbucks coffees.

The lost work time comes in two forms: when you’re delivering a phone call and when you’re receiving a phone call.

Example 1: “Thanks, Todd, for the call. I will give Jim the message that you called. What’s your number?”

“747-1471.”

“OK ... 7...4...7...1...4...7...1 ... Is that 330?”

“Yes ...”

“3...3...0 ... OK. Thanks.”

This is often followed by a repeat of the entire number to ensure it was properly written down.

Example 2: “Todd, we’re from the Madagascar Society of Niles, and we’d like you to judge our Zebu Festival. Call Norm at 3...3...0...5...5...5...1...2...1...2.

“That’s 3...3...0...(complete number.)

When you’re lucky in each circumstance, you get a really efficient person who repeats the number a third time.

This is not about doing away with the use of “330.” The phone gods put it in place, and “330” is mechanically necessary to complete a call. But we do not have to say it. It’s understood.

For instance, when we write an address on a letter bound for somewhere in our country, we don’t include “USA.” Somehow we figured out that “USA” is understood.

Even with those fancy Web addresses that those kids use these days, we’ve economized. Imagine without this economizing, local attorney Dave Betras in a TV commercial:

“If you’ve been bitten by a dog, go to H...T...T...P... colon ... backslash backslash ...”

And Dave being Dave, he would yell “COLON” for effect.

Of course, if you’re among the few who have the “234” area code here, you of course would have to use it.

Like I have to with my kids’ shared phone — which I have no doubt I was purposely given by the phone gods.

Todd Franko is editor of The Vindicator. He likes e-mails about stories and our newspaper. E-mail him at tfranko@vindy.com. He blogs, too, on vindy.com.