Who needs real political emails?

Opinion: June 17, 2011 at 12:00a.m.

By John Kass

Chicago Tribune

Distinguished reporters began poring over 24,000 pages of email messages from former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin last week in the outside chance they could make her look really, really stupid.

But rather than wait for more on her government tanning parlor, my able assistant Shooter and I decided to do some real reporting.

So we sat in my office, drank some iced beverages and dreamed up our own emails from a buncha distinguished politicians, including one from a newt and another from a weiner:

From: newtlovesamericahotpatriot.org

To: staff

Where’d everyone go???? Come on, guys, we’ve been through worse than this. I know you’re all a bit peeved that I spent a little more than I should at Tiffany’s, and that little Aegean cruise sidetracked me, I can admit that. But is Mrs. Newt No. 3 the problem? ’Cause you guys know I can always dump her and get me a newer model, because I love this country so damn much. What can I say? The young chicks dig my patriotism.

Newt

From: SenatorDavidVitteridigchicks.net

To: newtlovesamericahotpatriot.org

Dude, I know you’ve had some problems lately. Your main staff dumping you for newer models probably wasn’t much fun. But I’ve got problems too, like I’m tired of reporters dragging up that D.C. Madam business. At least I didn’t resign. I grabbed on to this job and clung to it like a tick in a dog’s behind. So here’s the deal, Newt. Are you looking for a running mate? I’ve been known to have a great deal of “passion for my country,” just like you. ;) David V.

From: repweinerpantspicsthecreepo.com

Re: SOS

Please disregard the last few twitter/email attachments I sent you. Please delete immediately. I mean it.

From: presidentslickwillyineverhadsexwiththatwoman.org

To: repweinerpantspicsthecreepo.com

I can’t believe you’d treat your wife that way, and lie about sex or whatever it was you were doing by yourself after I blessed your marriage, you Weiner. Besides, you’re nothing but an amateur. P.S. Don’t you know that you never take pictures, you moron? Bill.

From: Hillarystand.by.your.man.com

To: weinerwifeshouldIstayorshouldIgo.net

Once you’ve got him by the (redacted), the heart and mind will follow. So figure out what it’s worth and double it. You go girl.

John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune.