ANNIE’S MAILBOX: ‘Justine’ needs to control their son

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: My husband and I have three children and several grandchildren. I provide paid day care for my oldest and youngest sons. Our middle son, “Cliff,” has been disabled for a year and is married to “Justine.” She has four children from previous relationships, all of whom have been removed from her care due to prior drug abuse. Justine is bipolar and has been cut off from her family. Still, we all accepted her with open arms and treated her with love.

When Cliff and Justine had their first child, she developed postpartum depression and began using morphine while breast-feeding. When she refused to quit, Cliff threw her out. We both cared for my grandson while the baby detoxed. Cliff took Justine back, but my husband and oldest son were extremely distressed that she put her child in danger. I told Justine she needed to apologize to them and get counseling, but she did nothing. She repeated the whole process with the second child.

Two years ago, Cliff and Justine moved an hour away, and the only time we heard from them was when they wanted money. We helped. The last call was a request to drive my son to the hospital, although it wasn’t an emergency and there is transportation for the disabled in his area. We pointed that out, but drove him anyway. After, there was a series of accusations that we don’t take care of their children as often, don’t do as much for them as for the other kids and on and on.

Cliff called me names and said until I treat them fairly, we won’t be seeing the grandchildren again. The next day, they changed their phone numbers. They are in the process of moving, and I know we won’t get a forwarding address. Our hearts are broken. Was I unfair?

Disowned Grandma

Dear Grandma: This has nothing to do with you. It is about Justine’s need to control your son. He has allowed her to manipulate him into believing his family doesn’t love him as much as his siblings. He also fears she might leave him and take the children unless he goes along. When you criticize her or suggest she get counseling and apologize, she becomes angry. Frankly, unless you give them money, she has no use for you at all. If there is any way you can reconcile, please try. Someone needs to watch out for those children.

Dear Annie: My father usually sends me a generous check for the holidays. Last year, he sent me a gift card to an online store. I spent it, but thought how much more practical the same amount of cash would have been. Is there a polite way to tell someone that, however much their generosity is appreciated, I’d rather decide how best to use it?

Amanda

Dear Amanda: No. A gift is what someone chooses to give you. However, this is your father, and he surely doesn’t intend to disappoint you. If you have someone to intercede (Mom, sibling), that person can tell Dad you’d prefer cash. Be sure to thank him either way.

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