The gospel according to Becky

Opinion: September 25, 2010 at 12:00a.m.

Becky Benson, 56, traveled (to the Glenn Beck rally) from Orlando, Fla., because, she said, “we believe in Jesus Christ,” and Jesus, she said, would not have agreed with the economic stimulus package, bank bailouts and welfare. “You cannot sit and expect someone to hand out to you,” she told The New York Times. “You don’t spend your way out of debt.”

And when it was evening, His disciples came to him, saying, “This is a desert place and the time is now past. Send the multitude away, that they may go into the villages and buy themselves victuals.”

But Jesus said unto them, “They need not depart. Give ye them to eat.”

And they said unto him, “We have here but five loaves and two fishes.”

And he said, “Bring them hither to me.”

And lo, he himself ate up both the fish and three of the five loaves, having worked up a powerful hunger.

And for the remaining two loaves, he ordered them auctioned on eBay, saying unto his disciples, “You cannot sit and expect someone to hand out to you. Hunger can be a positive motivator.”

And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death.

“Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders,” Jesus told him, “you will never believe.”

The royal official said, “Sir, come down before my child dies.”

Jesus replied, “You make a good buck as a royal official. Have you not health insurance?”

And the man replied, “Lord, I could not afford the co-pays and deductibles.”

Jesus replied, “The insurance companies have a right to a fair return. Take thy son to the emergency room.”

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished.

Jesus laughed. “I’m just messing with you.”

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

But, Jesus added, “When I say “neighbor,” I don’t mean everybody in the whole country, you know? I mean just the people you know, not a bunch of people you’ve never met. Otherwise we could be getting into socialism.”

“Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.”

His disciples said, “So you’re saying you can spend your way out of debt?”

Jesus said, “Are you kidding me?”

“Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?”

But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, “You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me? Show me the coin used for paying the tax.” They brought him a denarius, and he asked them, “Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?”

“Caesar’s,” they replied.

Then he said to them, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s. But only give Caesar enough for roads and bridges and the military, things like that. None of this social welfare stuff.”

Kevin Horrigan is a columnist for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.