Annie's Mailbox: Fiance needs more time to forgive

September 12, 2010 at 10:12a.m.

Dear Annie: “Cooper” and I have been together for seven years, and we have a young child. We recently became engaged.

Here’s the problem. A year ago, we hit a rough patch, and I decided I needed some space. I dated a guy I liked a lot, but knew he wasn’t the right man for me. This entire time, Cooper, of course, was still very much in my life.

Eventually, Cooper and I worked things out, and I ended my other relationship. But now Cooper questions everything I do. He calls constantly to keep tabs on my whereabouts and to make sure I’m not talking to my old flame. He goes through my cell phone when I leave it lying around. He starts fights, and we always argue about my past relationship.

It hurts when he does these things, and I cry a lot. I love Cooper and take marriage very seriously. If I wasn’t sure I could remain faithful, I never would have accepted his proposal. Cooper tells me he loves me endlessly, and at times, I believe we are slowly rebuilding some trust. But then he’ll say or do something that makes me feel certain he will never trust me again. I keep telling myself this will pass with time, but if it doesn’t, I truly don’t want to marry him. What should I do?

Untrusted Fianc e

Dear Fianc e: You should postpone the wedding. You may be certain of your fidelity, but Cooper isn’t. He needs more time to forgive you, and you need to know that he is capable of doing so. Tell him you want to be sure he has no doubts, and that you will do whatever is necessary for him to trust you again.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for four years, and it seems everyone around us is having babies. The trouble is, they seem to think I need to have kids, too. My husband assumes we’ll have children someday, but I have never wanted to carry or give birth to a child. When I suggested adoption, my husband said he doesn’t think he could love an adopted child. It has to be biologically ours.

I am often weak, tired and headache-plagued. I have trouble keeping up with a part-time job. How could I manage to be pregnant or tolerate being sleep-deprived and taking care of an infant? Must I give in for my husband’s sake? I think the decision should be primarily mine, since I’m the one who has to be pregnant. Is he being unreasonable by not wanting to adopt? I might resent giving in to his wishes, but I don’t want him to leave me over this. Shouldn’t he be happy the way things are?

Bea

Dear Bea: Well, no. Whether or not to have children, adopted or biological, is something that should be settled before marriage. You should not be coerced into getting pregnant, but if your husband has always planned on having biological kids, your refusal is going to be a problem for him.

More importantly, why are you so weak, tired and headache-plagued? Please see your doctor immediately and get some help. If you felt better, you might rethink the issue. And if not, you and your husband should get some counseling and figure this out — together.

Annie’s Snippet for Grandparents Day (credit Alex Haley): Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.

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