ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Guilt leaves him paralyzed

September 11, 2010 at 9:59a.m.

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: I had a textbook midlife crisis. In my early 50s, after an affair of six weeks, the guilt became too much and I confessed to my lovely and intelligent wife of 31 years that I wasn’t sure I’d ever loved her. The new love of my life was also in her early 50s and had been married more than 30 years.

My wife and three adult children were blindsided. Our marriage seemed perfect to others. But the relief from my confession was instant and cathartic, and I was anxious to begin my life anew with a woman I thought I could not live without.

It is now eight years later, and I still haven’t put my life back together. I work hard to maintain a civil relationship with my ex-wife, who hasn’t remarried and who graciously invites me to the house for family occasions with the children. However, I have yet to marry the woman of my dreams, who also gave up everything for me. Every time I think I’m prepared to complete what I started, I become paralyzed by guilt and a sense of responsibility to my ex-wife and family. I am now convinced that any new life for me is impossible.

Please help me sort this out. No one is getting any younger.

Adrift in NYC

Dear Adrift: And apparently no one is getting any wiser, either. You have figured out that guilt has paralyzed you. And your ex-wife is being kind, which makes a new marriage feel like a second betrayal. You cannot take back the damage you’ve done. Moving forward may be painful, but it also will allow normalcy to eventually re- enter everyone’s lives. Please consider counseling.

Dear Annie: My husband passed away after 42 years of marriage. His will stated that he wished to be cremated and interred at the veterans’ cemetery.

After the funeral, his siblings told me they were not pleased that their brother would not be buried in his church cemetery. To keep the peace, my children and I gave his siblings a portion of the ashes, with the understanding that there would not be a second headstone. Annie, they proceeded to have another funeral service, as if ours wasn’t good enough. And last week, three years after his passing, I was sent pictures of the gravesite at the church cemetery, and there is a large granite slab with my husband’s name, the dates of his birth and death, and an inscription.

I contacted the family and was told this is a plaque, not a headstone. We are upset that our wishes were not honored. What can we do?

My Heart Is Sad

Dear Sad: Nothing that won’t create more heartache and anger. You have followed your husband’s wishes. Please allow his siblings to honor him in their own way. You have been very considerate and gracious.

Annie’s Snippet for Patriot Day (Credit Ralph Waldo Emerson): Peace cannot be achieved through violence, it can only be attained through understanding.

E-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045.

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