ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Having favorite causes pain

September 5, 2010 at 9:50a.m.

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: My husband and I have four grandchildren under the age of 12. My stepson is the father of all these children, although the eldest, “Sara,” is from an earlier relationship and lives with her mother. Sara rarely sees my stepson, so we have tried to fill that void by being especially close to her.

Here’s the problem: My husband tells Sara that she is his favorite grandchild. With all the painful family dynamics involved, I am afraid this comment will eventually cause hurt feelings with the other grandchildren. When I ask my husband not to do this, he says it’s the truth, she is his favorite, as if that negates any pain that may result. He also doesn’t think she would ever repeat the comment to her half-siblings. But I fear Sara will use that favored status as a weapon one day.

I have a degree in child development and family relations. I chose not to have children of my own, so my position on this is totally academic, mixed with common sense. My husband’s position is based on his experience as a father and grandfather. I don’t need to win this argument, but I would feel a lot better if you tell me I am worrying about nothing.

Arizona

Dear Arizona: Simply because something is true doesn’t mean it is wise to say it out loud. But it’s not so much what Grandpa says as what he does. Some grandparents actually tell each child privately that he or she is “the favorite” in order to make all of them feel special. In your case, the other grandchildren would likely surmise that Sara is the favored child based on Grandpa’s behavior. And if she lords it over them (and she might), it would be terribly hurtful because it would confirm their worst fears. Ask Grandpa to cool it.

Dear Annie: My daughter is getting married soon. She and her fianc wanted a small wedding. They divided the guest list, giving 50 people to the groom’s family, 25 to me, 10 to her father and the remaining guests to their friends.

The groom has many friends and comes from a large family. His family wants to invite 100 people and has offered to pay for the extras. My daughter isn’t happy about this, but feels she can’t say no. The larger number also means she has to choose a reception hall not to her liking. But when I asked if I could have more people, since I am paying for part of the wedding, she apparently feels comfortable saying “no” to me.

I don’t think his parents are respecting her wishes. She wants to make her fianc happy, but it seems as if the groom’s mom is taking over the show. Please help me be less resentful.

Bride’s Mom

Dear Mom: The bridal couple did not split the guest list very evenly, but when one family is substantially larger than the other, that is sometimes a considerate accommodation. Your daughter wants to placate her new mother-in-law and knows you will love her regardless. Weddings are stressful with demands on all sides. Your support will be a wonderful gift to her.

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