ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Family cannot believe ‘Deacon’

October 3, 2010 at 9:53a.m.

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: I’ve had a problem with my 21-year-old kid brother for a long time. “Deacon” constantly lies and steals from me, as well as from my mother, other family members and friends. He’s not a horrible person, but he has no respect for property, including his own. He’s impossible to reason with. If you accuse him of taking anything, he gets upset and leaves, or screams that he’s innocent and we’re unfair and he gets blamed for everything.

We wish we could believe him. My mother is ready to tell him he is no longer welcome in her home, but I worry. Is there a healthy way to tell someone you need a break until he gets his act together?

Brotherly Love/Hate Relationship

Dear Brotherly: Deacon’s reaction to these accusations seems almost delusional. It’s possible he does not realize what he is doing, why it is wrong or what the consequences might be. If that is the case, he needs professional help, and you should approach him gently. Your mother does not have to allow Deacon into the house, although it’s best not to reject him in anger. Mom should make it clear that she loves him, but he obviously has issues to deal with, and until he does, none of you can afford to have him around your property.

Dear Annie: My husband has Alzheimer’s. His daughter and granddaughter live in another state. It really irritates me that neither of them ever calls. His daughter may pick up the phone on his birthday or Father’s Day, but I think she should be calling him at least once a week.

“Marge” is always promoting the Alzheimer’s Association, going on walks, signing petitions, etc., so why can’t she call her father? And her 30-year-old daughter never, ever phones her grandfather.

Indian Wells, Calif.

Dear Indian Wells: It’s possible Marge doesn’t think her father would recognize her voice. You need to tell her how much it would mean to him (and to you) if she were to phone more often, even for only a few minutes. While we aren’t so optimistic about the granddaughter, you could ask Marge to mention it to her, as well.

Dear Annie: Like “Worried Mom in the Midwest,” my wife and I spent our son’s first 19 years trying to force a square peg into a round hole. He had ADHD, and we tried everything to motivate him. After getting kicked out of one college and flunking out of another, we accepted that a conventional degree may not be in his future. From that point on, we began loving and supporting our son for his uniqueness.

“John” accepted two seasonal positions and began performing standup comedy, all areas of his passion. His confidence and self-esteem began improving. He began relying more on himself and less on outside influences. We found that love, acceptance and encouragement became the better motivators.

Finding Success in the Northeast

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