ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Lies told by ‘Roy’ broke her trust

November 16, 2010 at 12:00a.m.

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: “Roy” and I have been married for 43 years. We have two married children and several grandchildren. I have always trusted him — until now.

Roy retired three years ago. Recently, close friends of ours informed me that they saw him at a diner on the outskirts of town, having lunch with a female in a “cozy” booth. Roy didn’t see my friends because he was apparently engrossed in conversation. My friends said at one point their hands touched across the table, and the husband said he saw them hug and briefly kiss at the woman’s car.

I checked my husband’s calendar for that day, and it said he’d had a dentist’s appointment. Roy told me it took a long time. I called our dentist and discovered he had no appointment. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach.

When Roy was working, I heard rumors that he flirted with a woman in the office who had a thing for him, but I’m the type who disregards gossip.

Do I tell Roy what I know? My friend’s husband believes it is an innocent flirtation and thinks I should leave it alone. What do I do?

Very Unsure

Dear Unsure: It could well be an innocent flirtation, but the premeditated lying is disturbing. Tell Roy that he was spotted having a chummy lunch with some woman on the day he supposedly had a dentist’s appointment, and ask him what’s up. He needs to know that his tryst hurt you deeply.

Dear Annie: Last night, I went out to dinner with my fianc , “Randy,” my father and my future mother-in-law. My father dropped the bombshell that he and Randy’s mother have been secretly seeing each other and are engaged.

What do I do? Is it OK for me to marry Randy if my father is married to his mother?

Freaking Out in Florida

Dear Florida: Calm down. If your father marries Randy’s mother, it does not make Randy your brother. He becomes your stepbrother, which is not a blood relation. You can still marry him.

Dear Annie: “Mourning in Massachusetts” mentioned that she had “followed Al-Anon’s advice” in suspending a relationship with her sister. It is not the practice of Al-Anon to give anyone advice on the choices they are faced with.

Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help the families of alcoholics. The literature says we do this by “practicing The Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.” It is not my goal to bring those who struggle with alcoholism to their recovery, but to work on returning my life to a useful and meaningful one, relieved of the frustration and pain of loving someone who struggles with addiction.

Thank you for the opportunity to clarify this point.

Anonymous Member of the Al-Anon Family Groups

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