ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Wife’s illness has taken a big toll

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: I am a 56-year-old male and have been married to the love of my life for 33 years. The last 16 have been hard on her. She underwent chemo twice, had both breasts removed and, five years ago, had a hysterectomy. She can no longer take hormone replacement therapy.

She is 56, and her libido is zilch. She says she is willing to start taking hormones again so our love life will return, but she fears the cancer may come back. I would rather have her than not, but no sex apparently also means no contact.

I would never cheat on her, but I need to hold her. We can have other forms of sex, but we rarely do. I sometimes go half a year without intimacy. If I bring it up, it starts a fight.

I have tried romancing her and being extra nice and helpful, but still nothing. We’ve seen a therapist, who suggested other things she can do, but she refuses. When I want to cuddle, she pushes me away. She tells me she feels lonely at times, but I do, too.

What am I supposed to do?

Lonesome

Dear Lonesome: Try to cut your wife some slack. She’s had a rough time, and sex is not high on her list. She also may have a poor body image. She cannot work up any interest in intimacy and doesn’t want to risk arousing you by cuddling. Still, she should be willing to make the effort for the sake of your marriage. Gently suggest that she call the American Cancer Society Reach to Recovery program (cancer.org) at 800-ACS-2345 (800-227-2345) and talk to someone who understands.

Dear Annie: My son is 26 and lives with his father, rent-free. He sleeps all day and stays up all night drinking beer and watching TV. My ex-husband buys him whatever he wants or needs.

“Joey” has had a couple of jobs, and we always think he is doing well, but then he quits. I have called the doctor’s office, but they say Joey needs to call.

My ex-husband fears Joey will do something drastic. Can you suggest anything we can do?

B.J.

Dear B.J.: We assume you believe Joey is depressed, although he may simply be a freeloader. Either way, he needs help, and so do his parents, especially Dad. Suggest that Dad look into Because I Love You (bily.org), P.O. Box 2062 Winnetka, CA 91396, and The National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org) at 800-950-NAMI (800-950-6264).

Dear Annie: The letter from “Son of a Portly Pop” prompted me to write. Please tell him to look into Overeaters Anonymous (oa.org).

Three years ago, I lost 70 pounds, and it has given me a new life. In addition to the weight, my high blood pressure and high cholesterol went away. I gained the courage to go back to school and am halfway through a graduate degree. If “Son” can get “Pop” to an OA meeting, he will find support, acceptance and compassion.

John

Dear John: Congratulations. We hope “Pop” sees your letter and takes the first step to get his health back.

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