ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Children suffer effects of smoking

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: My stepdaughter, “Pam,” is 24 and is the mother of two children, one 7 months and the other a toddler. Her children are often ill with bronchitis and other maladies, and the oldest has behavioral issues.

Pam smoked during pregnancy, and she recently admitted that she smokes in the car with her children in the backseat. This appalls and infuriates me, and I believe it is neglectful and abusive. My husband says I shouldn’t badger her about it because it will only make things worse. Pam does have some learning disabilities, but she is intelligent enough to understand that smoking is extremely harmful, not only to herself, but to her children.

Do you think I should shut up about her abusive behavior and allow her children to suffer the ill effects?

Disgusted in Pennsylvania

Dear Disgusted: Smoking in front of your children is not generally considered child abuse. Smoking is highly addictive, and even if your stepdaughter wanted to quit, it would be difficult for her. Is the children’s father in the picture? If so, he would be the best one to approach Pam about the effects of secondhand smoke on the children’s health and to work with her on ways to minimize the damage. You also can recommend she consult her pediatrician for additional advice.

Dear Annie: Please settle an argument. A couple of weeks ago, new neighbors moved in two houses down from us. I want to bake cookies or brownies, give them to our new neighbors and introduce ourselves. After a brief hello and an offer of “if you need a cup of sugar,” we will let them get back to whatever they were doing.

My husband thinks it’s too soon to ring their bell. When is the correct time to introduce yourself?

Samantha

Dear Samantha: As long as you don’t expect the newcomers to invite you in for coffee, the correct time is when the moving van is gone. A couple of weeks is plenty.

Dear Annie: You recently printed a letter from “Crushed,” whose husband thought he was dying and confessed being unfaithful many years ago. You said such deathbed confessions leave an emotional burden on the listener. But that husband was still alive and feelings could be reconciled.

In my case, it was a true deathbed confession, not of physical unfaithfulness, but of emotional unfaithfulness. At one point during our marriage, my job took me away from home. My husband thought I no longer loved him and turned to another woman for emotional support. I was so shocked by what he told me that I didn’t ask for any details. He died that night.

Do you have advice for a widow who had no opportunity to bring about any kind of reconciliation and is now carrying a heavy emotional burden?

Also Crushed

Dear Also: How sad that you didn’t have the time to resolve this. Please talk to a grief counselor to help you work through your feelings and come to terms with your loss.

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