She can’t accept brother’s divorce

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: A year ago, my brother left his wife of 34 years when he became emotionally attached to a woman he met through his weekend activities. His wife actually transported the two of them to their kayaking adventures. She warned him that the friendship was not healthy for their marriage, but he didn’t listen. The divorce was devastating to the entire family. Even my brother admits he screwed up and it was entirely his fault.

My ex-sister-in-law is still a member of our family. We celebrate all the holidays together. My brother is now with Miss Kayak, and we have limited contact because he refuses to attend any family function without his new partner. I have told him that I doubt I could ever accept her because I can’t respect someone who knowingly and actively pursued a married man. The funny thing is, I’m sure she and my brother are more compatible than he and his ex-wife. If he had divorced and later found this woman, it would not be an issue.

I have forgiven him because he is my brother and he is remorseful. He is planning to marry Miss Kayak soon, and we won’t be invited to the wedding because he knows how we feel about her. Annie, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life without my brother. How do I get past this? I feel it would be a betrayal of my sister-in-law and my niece to accept his new wife. I know they would never come to a family function if she were there. Please help.

His Sister

Dear Sister: We commend you for showing loyalty to your ex-sister-in-law, but at this point, it will only estrange your brother. You cannot turn back the clock and make the divorce disappear, and you admit that your brother’s current relationship is more compatible than his marriage. And while he may not have behaved in an honorable way, he has expressed genuine regret and taken responsibility.

If you can stop blaming the other woman, there is a chance you could forgive her, as well. Please try. You can see your ex-sister-in-law at other times, but we hope you will continue to have your niece at all family functions. She, too, needs to adjust to the new situation, and it will help to have your support and assistance while she finds her way.

Dear Annie: My in-laws will be visiting us soon (at our expense), and we are quite excited since we only see them once a year. However, my stepmother-in-law invited her son, daughter-in-law and three grandkids to stay with us, too.

Even though our home is not quite big enough for nine people, we will make it work. But I don’t think we can afford to feed all of them for a week. My husband doesn’t understand why I am upset and says I should be more understanding. Am I out of line?

Annoyed

Dear Annoyed: Hardly. Your in-laws should not have invited anyone else to join them, especially on your nickel. Put your husband in charge of feeding this crowd so he gets the point and, if necessary, can inform his parents that they will be responsible for feeding the grandchildren.

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