ANNIE'S MAILBOX: Unknown marriage rattles her

March 30, 2010 at 4:07a.m.

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: I recently lost my husband. We married quite young, and after 20 years, he had an affair and we divorced. Three years later, we remarried and stayed together for another 20 years. He was a wonderful husband and an attentive grandfather. We went to church, and he even taught a Sunday school class.

Guess what? It seems that while we were divorced, he married The Other Woman in another country and forgot to tell me. I finally got things resolved so that our second marriage was legally recognized and I am entitled to the insurance money, which is enough to pay off the house and a bit more. But now the other woman is going to court to fight for their 22-year-old child’s rights — a daughter I didn’t know about.

Annie, I feel so betrayed. Our grown children now know their father lied to all of us. I am in counseling, but am so mentally and physically exhausted, I had to take a leave of absence from my job. What do I do? How can I warn others?

Alone

Dear Alone: Your letter will serve as the warning. If it’s any consolation, your husband probably was in denial about his situation. When he came back, he undoubtedly convinced himself the remarriage to you was legal and the other, foreign marriage would simply go away. The daughter, however, is another story. Regardless of the circumstances, if your husband fathered a child, he had a responsibility to support her, and the child is entitled to some of Daddy’s estate. Please don’t be so angry and resentful that you punish the wrong person. You were smart to get counseling. It will help you through this.

Dear Annie: I’m writing about “Concerned Parent,” who is worried about unrecognized depression in teens.

My father was depressed, and I’ve been treated for depression and anxiety for 15 years. For several months, my talented, smart, loving 17-year-old daughter became another person. She started skipping school, drinking and being verbally abusive to me.

She was always embarrassed that I was being treated for depression. Then she took a psychology class that explained that depression is a neurobiological disorder and does not mean the patient is “crazy.” The next day, she asked me to take her to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed her with depression and anxiety. She was given a low-dose antidepressant and sent for therapy. Within two weeks, she was my daughter again. She told me, “I can’t believe I feel calm. I thought it was normal to be constantly agitated. I didn’t know I was so unhappy.”

Now I get hugs. She still has mood swings, but her center is much higher. And I learned that teen depression is different from adult depression. Instead of being sad, they might become irritable and angry, skip school, make risky choices and seem to hate everything. A doctor can help find that your child is still there, but locked up by a treatable illness.

Grateful Mom

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