ANNIE'S MAILBOX: She wants to break the cycle

KATHY MITCHELL & MARCY SUGAR

Dear Annie: I am at the end of my rope. I have proved that I am a horrible parent and should never have had kids. I have screwed up my daughter so thoroughly that she will need years of therapy.

I hate to argue, but the other day, my 17-year-old daughter and I went back and forth until I exploded at her. A week ago, I did the same with my husband. I went through some abuse as a child and feel it has ruined any chance of my having a connection without sabotaging it.

I have tried hard to make things different for my daughter, but I know she will hate me as much as I dislike my own mother. I want to break the cycle and am beginning to think it would be best if I left. I know they would never forgive me, but I am no good for either my child or husband. I will only cause them more pain.

My emotions too often get the best of me these days. I cannot afford counseling, but I know I need help. I love my family and don’t want to make them more miserable.

Done

Dear Done: The only thing you have done wrong is giving up without seeking help. You have convinced yourself that everything is your fault and can’t be fixed, and you seem terribly depressed. You can afford counseling. Try your local church, hospitals, university psychology departments and graduate school counseling departments; United Way and the YMCA; the American Association of Pastoral Counselors (www.aapc.org) at 9504A Lee Highway, Fairfax, VA 22031-2303; The Samaritan Institute (samaritaninstitute.org) at 2696 S. Colorado Blvd., Suite 380, Denver, CO 80222; and the Abraham Low Self-Help Systems (formerly Recovery, Inc.) at lowselfhelpsystems.org, (866) 221-0302.

Dear Annie: Your advice to “Arizona” is right on. Her husband was an abusive drug addict. He finally learned he had underlying mental health issues, and when those were addressed, he stopped abusing drugs. She asked whether she could ever trust him again, and you cautioned her to take things slowly.

I have been sober for more than 20 years. It sometimes takes a long time to make the necessary changes, and physical sobriety is but the beginning. When I was six months sober, I suggested to my wife that we celebrate our anniversary with a renewal of our vows. She said, “Let’s wait to see if you are serious about staying sober.” My feelings were hurt, but her reaction was not due to a lack of belief in me, but rather the realization that many start in sobriety but only a few actually stick with it.

We waited, I stayed sober, and a couple of years later, we celebrated our 25th anniversary with renewed vows. I know now, as we approach our 45th anniversary, that she was absolutely right to wait.

Loving Sobriety in California

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