ANNIE'S MAILBOX: Dad’s death sent him back to alcohol

June 26, 2010 at 9:09a.m.

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: “Austin” and I have been married for several years, and we have two beautiful children. He was an alcoholic when we met, but when he realized it was seriously affecting his health, he quit in a single day. Our marriage was wonderful.

Everything changed after Austin’s father died unexpectedly. He became a closet drinker, started gambling and distanced himself from the entire family. After a year, he pulled out of the skid, but things haven’t been the same. I know he still drinks and lies to me about it. He also self-medicates with other substances. This year has been especially tough. Austin lost his job and feels he is not pulling his weight around the house. He gets angry and then disappears for hours on end.

Annie, I know deep down the man I fell in love with is still there, but how do I bring him back?

Need Help

Dear Need Help: Austin sounds severely depressed and probably has been since Dad died. He also turns to addictive substances (alcohol, drugs, gambling) to dull the pain. Counseling would help him enormously, but you cannot force him to go. Please look into Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) at 888-4AL-ANON (888-425-2666).

Dear Annie: I have a problem with jealousy and insecurity. My fianc has never done anything to make me feel this way, but the men who were in my life before cheated on me.

I know I need help, but we can’t afford counseling. It’s reached the point where we argue a lot because he now works with a woman I can’t help but think is better looking than I am, and he may cheat with her. My fears are tearing us apart.

My fianc keeps telling me to grow up. Please help.

Stressed and Tired

Dear Stressed: Fear is irrational, but you must decide not to let yours become so debilitating that it destroys this relationship and all future ones. We strongly urge you to get counseling so you can defeat your jealousy demons. Look for low-cost help through local hospitals, university psychology departments and graduate-school counseling departments, United Way and the YMCA.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Devastated and Frustrated,” whose son won’t let her see the grandchildren. You’ve printed other letters about young married couples who like to cut off the grandparents during family feuds.

Erasing your children’s past and handing them a blank future is a terrible way to seek revenge. The children don’t have a dog in this fight. They should be encouraged to phone or e-mail their grandparents for this simple reason alone.

Family history is passed on to the future through the stories and experiences of the grandparents. The sad part is that when the children find out that they were cheated out of this basic right, they will do the same thing to their parents when the time comes. I’ve seen it happen.

As family ties are cut, we are slowly creating some lonely heirs in future generations. They won’t have any family history and will never know why.

An Observer

Dear Observer: You are unfortunately right. Thank you for pointing out that family history can become another casualty of such estrangements.

Creators Syndicate