ANNIE’S MAILBOX: His wife is terrified of her own mom

June 19, 2010 at 9:09a.m.

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: My mother-in-law always has to be the center of attention. She insists on buying expensive things and believes she’s always right even when you have proof that she isn’t. If you don’t agree with her, she gets nasty. My wife is the polar opposite — she doesn’t care about material things and spends her free time volunteering at the soup kitchen.

The problem is, my wife is terrified of making her mom angry. The whole family walks on eggshells around Mom and meekly takes whatever garbage she shells out. I’ve watched this in silence for five years.

My father-in-law told me it was best not to upset Mom because she’s had two heart attacks and stress could kill her. Each of her three children is in therapy because of the damage she inflicted on them as children. When we have kids, I don’t want her near them.

I think it’s time for my wife to sever all ties. I’m sick of the way she is treated, but my wife feels too guilty to do it. Am I right to insist she drop the toxic Mama for her own sake?

Philly

Dear Philly: Mama may be toxic (she sounds like an abusive bully), but you should not be pressuring your wife to sever ties. That is up to her. And it could involve ties with the entire family, not just Mom. Your job is to be supportive of her decision, whatever it is, and to help her deal with the fallout.

Dear Annie: Yesterday, a friend visited our house after a round of golf. He went to my kitchen and started to wash his hands in my kitchen sink. I was like, “Dude, really?” I was grossed out. He seemed upset by my reaction and left.

My girlfriend says I embarrassed him. But I would never go into someone’s house and proceed to wash my hands in their kitchen sink. Isn’t that what bathrooms are for? What is the correct protocol?

Dirty Dishes Not Dirty Hands

Dear Dirty Dishes: When coming from another area of the house or outdoors, it is best to wash one’s hands in a sink that is not also used for food preparation. You are correct that after golf, he should have washed up in the bathroom. However, etiquette works both ways. It would have been kinder to steer him to the bathroom by pointing out that it is better equipped for his needs.

Dear Annie: “Now or Later” asked if it is better to visit relatives now or wait until the funeral.

I have a sister who had not been to see my mom in 19 years. I have no idea why. But she showed up at Mom’s funeral when it was too late and there was nothing she could do. Mom would have loved to see her when she was still alive and could enjoy the visit before Alzheimer’s took her memory.

I say, always go see the person while they are still living. You are doing no good at all once they have passed on.

Florida

Dear Florida: Amen to that.

E-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045.

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