ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Cousins deserve to know situation

June 8, 2010 at 4:11a.m.

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: I have two cousins, a brother and sister related to me through their father. Both are in their 50s and have seven children between them.

About 12 years ago, my stepmother told me that our cousins are not biologically related to us because their parents had to use artificial insemination (using donor sperm). I confirmed this story with my mother. She said my aunt and uncle had promised to tell the kids the truth someday.

I don’t believe my cousins were told. My aunt and uncle have since died. Don’t they deserve to have their genetic information?

Loving Cousin in Philly

Dear Philly: If your stepmother knows, chances are your cousins have heard it, too. They should have their medical history for themselves and their children. Perhaps your mother would be willing to tell them. Or, you can gently broach the subject by asking whether they have their complete genetic background.

Dear Annie: My elderly mother needs full-time care. She has paid caregivers who come to her home every day, and I stay with her about 30 hours a week, as well as tend to her finances, take her to the doctor, etc. My retired sister, “Lois,” helps out six hours to nine hours a week, but will not stay with Mom on weekends, so I do it.

I have struggled with resentment toward my sister, but felt I was making progress. Then one of my friends informed me that Lois had invited her and her husband to see a play with them. Not only can I not imagine why Lois would be asking my friends to a social engagement, but they all knew I would be unable to go because I was watching Mom. Am I wrong to be upset?

Stressed and Depressed

Dear Stressed: It was insensitive of your friends to let you know they were enjoying an event that excluded you, but it’s their business where they go and with whom. Your real issue is with Lois, who enjoys herself while you are taking care of Mom, and does so in a way that underscores your inability to socialize.

If you resent not having time to yourself, see whether one of Mom’s caregivers can relieve you on an occasional weekend, and ask Lois to help pay for it. Also contact the Family Caregiver Alliance (caregiver.org) at 1-800-445-8106.

Dear Annie: This is for “Now or Later,” whose husband thinks he should attend the funerals rather than visit relatives while they are still living.

I have three younger sisters, none of whom has visited me in more than 30 years, and it’s not the money. They all travel extensively. When I asked why they never visit, two said, “I don’t have time,” and the other said, “Your husband once hurt my feelings.”

Consequently, I have requested that my family not notify them of my death until after the funeral.

Brokenhearted

Dear Brokenhearted: Too many people put off seeing loved ones until it’s too late. Or worse, they think their presence at a funeral will give others the impression that they cared.

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