ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Child is sweet, parents are not

July 30, 2010 at 4:16a.m.

By KATHY MITCHELL and MARCY SUGAR

Dear Annie: I enjoy taking my 8-year-old daughter to our neighborhood park. Over time, she’s made many friends there, and while she has become close with some, there are others I’d prefer remain “playground friends” only.

There is one set of parents I do not care for at all. Their little girl is sweet, and I hate to avoid her simply because she has weird parents. Her mom has tried repeatedly to get me to drop off my daughter at their house for playtime. I don’t feel comfortable doing this. Worse, the father, who apparently has anger-management issues, is estranged “again” from the family and has asked if my daughter could accompany him to the park near his home so she can play with his little girl.

I’ve dodged all their requests so far, but am looking for a way to make it clear that, although their daughter is nice and my child enjoys playing with her, that’s as far as the friendship will ever go. Any suggestions?

Ohio

Dear Ohio: There is no nice way to say, “Your daughter is sweet, but you and your husband scare the dickens out of me, and I don’t want my kid around you.” The polite custom is to be noncommittal by saying, “We’ll see” or “Perhaps another time.” If you are willing, it would be nice to offer to take their daughter for an afternoon.

Dear Annie: My wife and I adopted our 5-year-old grandson, “Sam.” The boy has lived with us since he was a baby. His father (our son) has never been around, and the mother’s presence is intermittent.

Life is perfect, except for one burning question about our names. Sam has called us Grandma and Grandpa all this time. Now that he has started school, he questions why he has to call us those names when the other kids have moms and dads. So he started calling us “Mama” and “Daddy.” To me, it doesn’t matter. Legally, we are his parents.

What do you recommend?

A Concerned Daddy and/or Grandpa

Dear Dad: You have legally adopted this boy. You are his father. Your wife is his mother. If he wants to call you “Mama” and “Daddy,” that’s his privilege and nobody else’s business.

Dear Annie: I share your horror about the 25-year-old man from Oregon who indulges in sexual fantasies about his mother-in-law. But your advice that he recalibrate his fantasies by indulging in stereotypes about mothers as asexual creatures is way off base.

Women struggle to feel attractive and sexy in a culture that defines female sexiness ever more narrowly. Let’s not contribute to it by declaring motherhood incompatible with sexual attractiveness.

Binghamton University

Dear Binghamton: You misunderstand the point of the exercise. Mothers can be sexy and attractive, and that is his problem. He needs to see this particular Mom as “motherly,” and that means using whatever old-fashioned stereotypes work for him.

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