Golf, and other cuss words

Earlier this week in the office, I’m listening in on a phone interview by one of our reporters.

And out came this question: “So tell me about golf, and how it’s a good game for people of all ages, who don’t have to be a good athlete?”

On behalf of all weekend hackers, I took immediate offense to that question.

It takes a GREAT athlete, I countered, to play the game of golf.

At least, the kind of game that I play.

For instance, it takes great strength to hold onto the club after you’ve created a divot that’s only slightly less shallow than the Grand Canyon.

And you’d better have good legs to be able to continually walk the 20 yards or so, after said shots. Because it’s embarrassing to get back in the riding cart after such a pitiful effort.

Next, you need to have good eyesight, because the few times that you do hit a decent-length shot, you have absolutely no clue where it’s headed.

More than likely, it’s a wicked hook to the left, or a high, majestic shot that starts relatively straight, then makes an almost 90 degree turn to the right.

Among us golf veterans, that’s known as a slice, or, as I’ve called it a few times, the “Oh, geez, not AGAIN!”

Which leads us to the next athletic pursuit — the lost ball hunt.

Go jumping through an out-of-bounds area, complete with fallen branches, poison ivy, barbed-wire fence and a sundry list of other obstacles, and tell me you don’t have to be an athlete.

I’ve seen guys who groaned getting out of the cart display an NBA-like vertical leap, if it meant they could get back that wayward ball.

Which brings us to the approach shot.

If you think LeBron James takes a long time to shoot a free throw, you haven’t seen anything.

I’ve come down the final fairway, with no hope of breaking 100, but I am sure to take check my line, throw some grass in the air to gauge the wind and velocity, take a couple graceful practice swings, assume the proper stance and address … then send a worm-burner 15 feet closer to the hole.

Some courses will provide a time limit for each hole. Mind you, those are merely suggestions, and, in my case, a laughable proposition.

But, when the ranger comes rolling around to find out what the hold up is, you have to be pretty agile to either a) jump out of the way of his cart, which he’s driving at about, oh, 40 miles per hour, or b) sliding behind a tree so that he doesn’t see you.

Eventually (hopefully?), of course, you make it to the green, which brings on a whole new set of athletic challenges.

First, you have to make sure you don’t step in your opponents’ putting lines, so occasionally you have to take a long step. That can cause a pulled muscle, or, if you’re not playing particularly well, faking one as a convenient excuse to use on the next tee.

You also should mark your ball before putting, which not only helps you line up the shot but gives your opponents the illusion that you have a clue where it’s going to roll — which, of course, you don’t.

So, next time you’re invited to play a round, remember these fun tips, and this bit of wisdom I learned early on:

“You know why they call it golf? Because all the other four-letter words were taken.”

Rob Todor is sports editor of The Vindicator. Write to him at todor@vindy.com.