ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Boyfriend has signs of future abuser

July 11, 2010 at 11:19a.m.

KATHY MITCHELL and MARCY SUGAR

Dear Annie: I’m a 15-year-old girl, dating an 18-year-old who just graduated. We’ve been together for eight months, and at first, it was great. Then, as our relationship progressed, he started getting really jealous. He made me delete all the guys from my Facebook page and my cell phone. At first it was a big deal, but now I’m used to it. He’s kind of controlling in all situations, everything has to go his way, and he makes me feel bad all the time.

He tells me most of my physical features are unattractive and constantly disrespects me. He makes me stop speaking to anyone who doesn’t like him, including my brother. As you can tell, this isn’t a very healthy relationship, but I love him with all my heart and can’t leave him no matter how much I try. I’ve broken up with him so many times, hoping he would change, but he hasn’t. I feel as though he has stopped caring about me. What should I do?

Heartbroken in Michigan

Dear Heartbroken: Get out immediately. Your boyfriend has all the earmarks of an abuser. He controls everything about you, finds ways to isolate you from family and friends, and will continue to demean and insult you until you feel worthless — and grateful that he still wants to be with you. The next step is physical harm. And he’ll make you believe you deserve it. He doesn’t take your breakups seriously because you always come back for more. If he thought you would truly move on, he might beg you to come back — and the cycle would start all over.

You are smart to see that this isn’t a healthy relationship, but you cannot make it better. Talk to your parents about him so they are aware of what is going on. And please get away from this manipulative man while you still can.

Dear Annie: I am a 49-year-old recovered alcoholic, and everyone in my office knows it. Today, a co-worker gave me a piece of candy laced with a small amount of alcohol. He thought it was hilarious and “no big deal.”

Annie, I consider this to be serious. I quickly spit the candy out, rinsed my mouth with salt water and called my AA sponsor. The co-worker was reprimanded by my boss.

Non-alcoholics, or “normies,” as we call them, should respect that we are dealing with a serious problem on a day-to-day basis. It took me more than 12 years with AA to get sober, and I’ve been clean for four years. I am a much happier, saner person, but it took a lot of work. All we ask is that others recognize this.

Still Sober

Dear Sober: People who have never had an alcohol problem do not understand the severity of the issue and think a little bit of booze won’t matter. They do not realize that “a little bit” can tip the scales for an alcoholic and send them on a binge. And if your co-worker thought destroying your sobriety would be amusing, he’s a malicious idiot. Good for your boss for making it clear that such practical jokes are neither funny nor harmless, and kudos to you for maintaining your sobriety.

Carolina Son

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