He can end arguments by just walking away

Dear Annie: Six months ago, my mother and I got into a heated argument over something rather trivial and we both said things we shouldn’t have. After several weeks, I tried to make peace. I forgave her for what she said, but she refused to forgive me.

Two months later, she started another argument and things escalated. This time, various family members and friends intervened to help bring us back together. I apologized, but she didn’t. Nor did she forgive me.

Last week, she provoked me again. Instead of sticking around to get into a heated argument, I walked out. Through third parties, I let her know I was finished talking to her and she was dead to me.

I never wanted this nasty kind of relationship with my mother. I know she has a high-stress job and it sometimes brings out the worst in her. I also considered that this might be the beginning of Alzheimer’s, since it runs in her family, and irritability and irrational confrontations are symptomatic. Still, I’m tired of being her verbal punching bag and felt I had to draw the line. The rest of my family agrees with me.

Do you think she will ever realize the error of her ways before it’s too late? The Unforgiven Kevin

Dear Kevin: You and your mother both seem rather volatile. She may be picking fights, but you respond by escalating the hostilities. If Alzheimer’s is interfering with her ability to control herself, a better understanding of her mental-health issues could give you some emotional perspective. Please stop demanding apologies and forgiveness. Instead, pretend the argument never happened, and if she starts up again, simply walk away as you did before (without the incendiary “dead to me” comment, please).

You might also recommend she be evaluated by a geriatric specialist. Sometimes, reconciliation takes compassion rather than ultimatums.

Dear Annie: Several years ago, I was divorced. It was mutually agreed upon with no disagreements. We have two grown children.

This year, my ex is going to remarry. That’s fine with me. It’s her life. I’m still in contact with her and her family, and we get along fine. If by chance I get an invitation to the wedding, is it proper to go, or should I stay away? Not Sure in Pennsylvania

Dear Not Sure: If your ex-wife is gracious enough to invite you to her wedding, it means you are welcome to attend. If you still aren’t sure, ask one of your children to find out her actual preference. You can always wish her well with a card and gift instead. We commend you on maintaining such a civilized divorce.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Worried in Pennsylvania,” whose fianc ’s teenage daughter is a bad driver.

We also had a bad driver. After the first accident, we told him he needed to be more cautious and slow down. Four months later, there was a second accident. We told him it would be “three strikes and you’re out” and if he was in another accident, he would not get his license back until he was 18. A few months later, he came in and handed me his license. I went down to the DMV and turned it in. We were not going to have additional accidents on our insurance.

We drove him to work, even though he sometimes had the night shift. It was exhausting, but worth it. On his 18th birthday, a friend took him to the DMV. He bought himself a car and got his own insurance. Now, at the age of 40, he is a good driver. Our two younger children had no driving problems at all because they knew we would take away their license if they were careless.

To this family, I say, you may not be popular, but at least the girl will be alive. Unpopular Mom

Dear Mom: We agree the parents need to step up and do something, but the fianc , unfortunately, is not in a position to dictate the terms.

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