Trendspotting isn’t as easy as it sounds

By KEVIN HORRIGAN

Somehow this writer wound up on the J. Walter Thompson advertising agency’s mailing list for “The 100 Things to Watch for in 2010,” as compiled by Ann Mack, the firm’s “Director of Trendspotting.”

I have been a fan of the J. Walter Thompson advertising agency since the Dick Nixon years, when I learned that two of my favorite president’s men, H.R. “Bob” Haldeman and R.L. “Ron” Ziegler, were alumni of the firm. It’s of great comfort to me to learn that the company that gave the world Bob Haldeman and Ron Ziegler thinks I should know about trends.

It’s also of great comfort to know that the J. Walter Thompson Co. thinks I would understand some of these trends. Trend-wise, I’m always behind the curve, which means I still obsess about the Nixon administration.

So I’m resigned to the fact that I will never be a “Director of Trendspotting,” which is good, since it turns out it isn’t as easy a job as you might imagine. Mack told me she works night and day, even when she’s trying not to work, reading and worrying that somehow she might be missing something.

Companies hire advertising agencies to sell stuff for them, so Mack has to figure out what people are interested in. She has a string of “trend scouts” around the world, an eclectic list of contacts and a coffee table loaded up with reading material. “I’m still into print,” she said, which I regard as a positive trend.

You have your macro trends, she said, including the green revolution, health and wellness and the growing importance of consumer societies in China, India and Brazil. “The 100 Things to Watch For,” she said, are signs of how these larger trends are being made manifest in everyday life.”

No. 100 on her list (which is alphabetical order) is Zach Galifianakis, of whom I had never heard. Mack describes him as “Hollywood’s newest lovable, schlubby nerd,” which suggests that lovable, schlubby nerds are going to be hot. I regard this as an extremely positive development.

No. 98 is “the wine-tail,” which is what you get by mixing wine with juices and soda. Apparently people actually drink these things, which Mack says are “appealing in these tone-it-down times.”

Then there is No. 80, “Slow Beverages,” which take the tone-it-down times down yet another notch. They are the “anti-energy drinks,” which contain ingredients that manufacturers say actually make you chill out. In the Nixon years, we had something similar, except you rolled it up in cigarette papers and smoked it.

No. 7 on the list will delight Missouri and Illinois hog producers: “Bacon everywhere.” Bacon will show up in desserts, in cocktails (maybe even wine-tails) and candy. And what better to wash down that bacon with than No. 14, “Coconut Water.” Or maybe you can use coconut water to wash your hair.

‘Dry Shampoo’

No, wait! You won’t have to. No. 21 on the list is “Dry Shampoo,” which removes dirt and oil from your hair without the necessity of, you know, actually washing it.

On the other hand, No. 76 on “The 100 Things to Watch For” is the “Return of the Water Fountain.” But not just ordinary water fountains containing ordinary water; these will be places where you can fill up your reuseable water bottle with water you have to pay for.

Now that your thirst is quenched, your hair is clean and your craving for bacon has been satisfied, be comforted to know it will be easier to pick up No. 66, “Organic Fast Food,” in 2010. No more expensive fatty fast foods (like bacon); soon you’ll be able to buy expensive organic fast food.

You will want to share these experiences with your friends, but since you’re living in tone-it-down times, and perhaps because you’ve imbibed several slow beverages, you’ll want to do it slowly. No. 81 on the list is “Slow Communication,” which forces you to slow down. Google has created E-mail Addict, which freezes your e-mail window screen for 15 minutes.

Or maybe you’ll want to share your experience with your lovable, schlubby nerd friends by going out, knocking back a few bacon-and-coconut-flavored slow wine-tails and attending a “Silent Dance Party” (No. 78). Here, you put on headphones with your favorite music and dance to your own beat.

It’s perfect: You have the experience of social contact without the unpleasantness of shared social experiences. I can see Richard and Pat Nixon waltzing silently, separately under the coconut trees.

X Kevin Horrigan is a columnist for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune.