Dust off traditional parenting skills, Rosemond urges 400

By SEAN BARRON

VINDICATOR CORRESPONDENT

John Rosemond

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Family pyschologist and best-selling author John Rosemond spoke about traditional parenting at Boardman High School in Boardman, OH Saturday, Jan. 9, 2010.

BOARDMAN — After spending part of their Saturday afternoon at Boardman High School, it’s probably safe to say that Lori Arfaras and Madeleine Clendenin returned to their Canfield homes armed with fresh parenting techniques — and a lot of determination.

“He had good insights on [establishing] boundaries in the household,” Arfaras, a mother of three children age 2 to 14, said, referring to John Rosemond, a parenting expert, syndicated columnist and best-

selling author.

He spoke Saturday at the school.

An estimated 400 people attended Rosemond’s two 90-minute sessions that were part of his Parenting Education Seminar. The first was for parents with young children; the second addressed those with teens.

Sponsors were The Vindicator, WFMJ Channel 21, Boardman High and Serendipity preschool in Boardman.

Clendenin, who has four children, said one of the lessons she gleaned was that her youngsters don’t always have to be the center of her life.

Using dead-pan humor, anecdotes and a practical, no-

nonsense style, Rosemond, of Gastonia, N.C., explored several child-rearing traps he says many of today’s parents have fallen into, as well as why he thinks this generation of children would benefit by being exposed to more traditional parenting.

“Child-rearing today bears absolutely no resemblance to the way I was raised,” he said, adding that even though times have changed throughout history, sound child-rearing techniques hadn‘t — until about 40 years ago.

Rosemond recalled discipline problems his son, Eric, had in third grade and how changing his parenting approaches resulted in positive changes in the boy a few months later. One technique was to have the youngster contribute more to the family, he noted.

In fifth grade, Rosemond continued, Eric failed for a few weeks to complete assignments and, despite having been given an opportunity to correct his own problem, received three D’s on his first report card. So for a month, the boy was to go to his room and be in bed by 7 p.m., Rosemond noted. That discipline pattern would have continued until he solved the problem, Rosemond recalled, adding that his son became transformed.

Too many parents — especially mothers — have bought into the misguided notions that they must “micromanage” nearly every aspect of their children’s lives, be their youngsters’ best friends and avoid setting boundaries. Ironically, many women have made inroads in politics, corporate positions and numerous other professions, yet “have completely given up their authority to their children,” he pointed out.

Most discipline problems result from a lack of parental leadership, he said, adding that children can develop a sense of entitlement similar to the attitudes of many criminals.

“Women, rise up in full force in a calm, purposeful authority and let your children know where their place is in your life,” Rosemond urged.

In addition to assuming effective leadership, parents need to be attuned to the ways they present themselves to their youngsters (telling a child something once instead of pleading, bargaining, yelling and cajoling, for example). If that fails, reasonable consequences, immediate or delayed, should follow, he continued.

“You act like you know what you’re doing, where you’re going, what you want and that you’re going to get it,” Rosemond advised. “When you start telling your child what to do, he’ll do it.”

Years ago, some teenagers were mischievous but knew the rules and expected consequences for violations. Now, however, it’s not uncommon for teens to be belligerent and disrespectful toward their parents who try to enforce rules, he said.

Parents of children between age 3 and 13 should be establishing their leadership, discipline abilities and authority, which will prevent many problems when the youngsters enter their teen years, he said. Many parents with problem teenagers make the mistake of resorting to discipline that should have been implemented earlier, which often leads to “all-out warfare,” he cautioned.

In an effort to establish the important link between freedom and responsibility, Rosemond discussed several “C’s” pertaining to handling teens: curfews, cash, conflict and consequences.

Rosemond told of how he increased his teenage son’s curfew by 30 minutes for every six months Eric came home on time without a violation. He also talked about how he gave his son a monthly $100 allowance, as well as built-in responsibility for spending the money.

Regarding delayed consequences, Rosemond recalled a day when his 16-year-old daughter, Amy, refused to perform her chores and how, six days later, he calmly forbade her from going out with her best friend. Despite her protests, she relented, he said.

“You are never responsibility-free when you’re free,” Rosemond added.