ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Stress over fight is eating at Dad

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: Three years ago, my father had a big fight with his sister, my “Aunt Joan.” Aunt Joan did some things that were truly selfish and hurtful, and all of the family agrees that her actions were inexcusable. She has since cut off contact.

The problem is, my father still stews over the incident. Every time we see him, he talks about it. He has developed an ulcer and high blood pressure. He will not be satisfied until my aunt admits she was in the wrong and apologizes. No one believes that will happen.

We want our father to let it go before he stresses himself into a stroke. As long as he obsesses over the argument, he is still letting his sister ruin his life and his health. How can I help Dad find some peace?

Sensitive Soul in Canada

Dear Canada: Part of the problem may be that your father still loves his sister and wants a reconciliation, but knows it can’t happen until Joan changes her ways, which doesn’t seem likely. He’s angry and frustrated — and hurt. He needs to accept Joan as she is, which means the situation is not his fault and he cannot fix it. Sad as it is, he needs to make a conscious effort to let this go.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have three daughters, and we also are foster parents. This will be the first Christmas that we will have foster kids in our home.

What is the etiquette for Christmas cards? Do I sign only the names of my immediate family, or do I include the names of the foster children? Should I mention them and their doings in our Christmas letter? Both sets of grandparents are filing to adopt them, so it is highly unlikely that we will have them permanently.

Oregon Foster Mom

Dear Oregon: We commend you for taking these children into your home. Please include their names on your holiday cards, and by all means, mention them in your newsletter. It will make the children feel part of the family’s achievements and activities during this time.

Dear Annie: I have another angle on your answer to “Too Late To Care,” who wasn’t inclined to visit her dying sister.

I am a hospice chaplain. At the end of life, people often see the need for reconciliation with estranged family members or friends. I have seen many cases where the opportunity to hear a few words from a dying person has made all the difference in the lives of those left behind.

It is not just about the person who is dying. When people ask me if they should come to the bedside of someone they have not wanted to see for years, I ask them what they are hoping for and how it would help them. There are no guarantees, but there can be healing.

Dr. Ira Byock states that the four things that matter most are the words: “Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you.” People should not wait until someone is dying to say those words.

N.H.

E-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045.

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