ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Adult kids shun parents

April 20, 2010 at 4:14a.m.

Dear Annie: When our children were growing up, their father was working, sleeping or playing golf. I was the one who coached their softball teams, went to their sporting and scholastic events and took them to church. After 23 years of marriage, I divorced my husband when I discovered he’d had yet another affair.

I’ve never spoken ill of my ex to our daughters. But he was a master manipulator, and our daughters learned from him. A year after our divorce, my oldest daughter stopped speaking to me. She excluded me from her wedding, refuses to let me see her children and didn’t attend her grandfather’s funeral. She has not spoken to me in more than 13 years.

My next daughter claims I treat her son differently than my other grandchildren. She removed all the pictures of me from her home, uninvited me to the boy’s birthday party and repeatedly canceled visits I had scheduled and didn’t bother to tell me until I was already in town. Now she isn’t speaking to me.

My youngest daughter has three children with three different men, but is getting professional help to straighten out her life. Her father and older sisters have said they hate her.

I know six people whose children have stopped talking to them. What is wrong with these adult children?

Grandmother in Kentucky

Dear Kentucky: Every generation has complained about the prior one, and each has its own set of external problems. Most adult children do the best they can to treat their families well. But sometimes even the most conscientious and devoted parents can discover that their grown children are not what they expected or hoped for. Our sympathies.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have many elderly relatives who live in other states. Due to the costs of airline tickets, hotel rooms and car rentals, we don’t visit often. However, when one of them passes on, my husband is the first to jump on a plane to attend the funeral. I think it would be better to skip the funeral and visit while they are alive. Please settle this for us.

Now or Later

Dear Now: We are in favor of visiting relatives while they can appreciate it, but we know that not showing up for a funeral can create ill-will with the remaining family. If that’s an issue, compromise. You visit the relatives now, and your husband can attend the funerals later.

Dear Annie: My heart goes out to “Son of a Portly Dad.” I, too, was way past obese at 426 pounds. I’d been retired for four years and never left the house until my wife got me to join a gym, see a personal trainer and completely change my diet.

Along with my wife’s help and support, I’ve lost 152 pounds and my wife has lost more than 50 after 18 months. I wish “Son” luck.

Been There in Kentucky

Dear Kentucky: Thanks for your words of encouragement. The difference, of course, is that you were motivated to lose weight and willing to do the necessary work to get there.

Creators Syndicate