ANNIE’S MAILBOX: Should stepmom go to cops?

April 18, 2010 at 11:07a.m.

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: My 20-year-old stepson, “Marshall,” has lived with us since he was released from jail five months ago.

Marshall is intelligent but childlike. He has a developmental disability and is getting counseling. He has signed up for vocational rehabilitation and is hoping to get on a waiver to get an education, a job and assisted living. In the meantime, he lies around the house and reads or plays video games. He was tested for depression, but that’s not the issue.

Marshall has been addicted to various forms of pornography for years, and we’ve had to lock him out of our computer. Last week, he smuggled in a small laptop he’d bought. We noticed files on it that could possibly be child pornography, but my husband wouldn’t open them. He told Marshall to delete the files and that we’d confiscate the computer and return it to him when he moves out. Marshall complied.

I told Marshall’s therapist about this, and she said she would bring in someone who treats sexual addictions. She suggested we take the computer to the police to retrieve the deleted files. She said we have an obligation to protect the community.

Marshall has never committed any sex crimes, but he is on probation, and this could land him back in jail. My husband says he is not ready to call the police, but, Annie, I don’t like to think we might be harboring a potential sexual predator.

My husband is going out of town for a week, and I’m thinking of taking the computer to the police while he is gone, although I know it would cause serious problems in our marriage. Do you have any advice?

Praying for Guidance

Dear Praying: If you truly believe your stepson could be a sexual predator, you have an obligation to inform the police, but please don’t do this without your husband’s knowledge. Not only would he consider it a serious betrayal, but it would also deprive him of the opportunity to be a source of support for his child. You also should speak to an attorney and make sure your stepson has adequate legal representation.

Dear Annie: My 79-year-old mother went off her medication against the advice of her doctor, so he now insists she see him once a month. Mom told each of her four kids that we need to take her to these appointments. My siblings are fine with a rotation schedule, but I am not. I am 48 years old and don’t like being told what to do. And between my three kids and my husband, I have enough appointments.

As a compromise, I told Mom I would drive her, but the loss of work time and gas money means the trips would count as her annual birthday present. She is not happy about it, even though we are saving her cab fare. Am I wrong?

Tired but Trying Daughter

Dear Tired: Not wrong, but not very loving, either. We sense some unresolved hostility in this relationship. Driving Mom once every four months should not be such a huge burden, but if it is financially draining, yes, it can count as a “gift.”

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