ANNIE'S MAILBOX: Helping out takes toll on couple

Published April 4, 2010 at 12:00 a.m.
Updated April 4, 2010 at 10:40 a.m.

By Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: We have a 42-year-old daughter who is on drugs. “Beth” always claims to need money for “doctors, dentists and medicine.” She has conned us plenty of times. Beth has a 20-year-old daughter, “Emily,” who now has two little boys, and my husband let them move into my late mother’s house. He thought Emily would get a job and be able to find her own place, but she’s still there after four years.

We pay the upkeep and utilities, because Emily never finished high school and can’t find a better-paying job. She tried to get her GED but couldn’t pass the test (which we paid for). We also pay for the kids’ doctor appointments.

My husband gets upset about the situation, but feels bad because they have no money. We are both in our 70s and struggling to pay our bills. I have told Emily and Beth that we can’t keep doing this. We go without in order to keep our heads above water, and it’s starting to affect our health.

We also have two other grown daughters. They have great lives and never ask for anything. They are angry about what’s going on. Our friends have told my husband to “just say no,” but he can’t seem to do it. How do we get out of this mess and have a peaceful few years?

Desperate in Indiana

Dear Indiana: You are not helping Beth, Emily or yourselves by making them dependent on you. One day, you won’t be here, and if they haven’t learned to be self-sufficient, those great-grandchildren may be living on the street. The best thing you can do is look into local resources that could lend a hand and possibly provide job training. Contact the Indiana Family and Social Services Administration Family Support Services (in.gov/fssa) at (800) 622-4932.

Dear Annie: My wife’s brother has visited us twice in the past year, along with his family.

On both visits, after enjoying cocktails, wine, dinner and dessert, he has initiated an argument with my wife that ends with her going upstairs in tears. He seems to look for something that will get a reaction (politics, our daughter’s behavior, etc.), and once he gets my wife going, he will not let up.

I love our niece and sister-in-law, but I’m at the point where I no longer want any visits from him. How do we avoid this in the future?

Blindsided in Vermont

Dear Vermont: Some siblings are bullies, and it takes time and effort to change the relationship. First, your wife must learn not to respond to his verbal jousting. She should practice nodding, smiling and ignoring him, no matter what offensive remarks he is spouting. He is counting on her to get agitated.

Second, you must be her advocate. When the conversation becomes antagonistic, step in. Change the subject. Ask your brother-in-law to calm down and knock it off.

Third, stop serving him alcohol. Cocktails plus wine may be more than he can responsibly handle.

Happy Easter to all our Christian readers.

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