Oh, beautiful: Carrie holds on to her crown
By MELISSA DRIBBEN
Last week, America narrowly escaped another tragedy.
For a few days, it was a little dicey. The lovely Carrie Prejean, Miss California and a onetime contender for the Miss USA throne, was tossed, like fresh meat, to the media hounds.
Her crime? Speaking up for “opposite marriage.” Saying what everyone knows is true: that when a couple enter holy matrimony, one should have a package and the other, a rack.
Before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s recap this monumental news event. During the intellectual part of the Miss USA pageant, Miss Prejean was asked if she thought every state should legalize gay marriage. Perez Hilton, the judge who posed The Question, is a gay celebrity gossip blogger. He took offense at her answer. A kerfuffle ensued. Soon after, semi-nude photos of Miss Prejean hit the Internet, raising doubts about her moral fitness to serve as (pardon the expression) queen.
It was a setup, obviously. Not only was Hilton trying to provoke a big old controversy, but Satan was testing her character and her faith.
That’s what Miss Prejean has come to realize. She said so in an interview on the “Focus on the Family” radio show. How else could a debauched Hollywood insider like Hilton be chosen to judge a wholesome beauty pageant? A pageant run by the inestimable Donald Trump, no less? It had to be the devil’s work.
Prejean allows that there may be some cross-cultural misunderstanding here, as well. “In my country,” she said, gays don’t do marriage. (They just do each other.)
Different America
No offense, but Hilton, having been born in Miami, lives in a different America. His real name, after all is Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr.
How’s that for being outed?
And ... and ... and ... “Senor Lavandeira is the same sullied soul who, a few years ago, started a rumor that Fidel Castro was dead, when, no offense, the Cuban dictator was and still is merely teetering on death’s doorstep.
(Wait. This part is confusing. Isn’t Fidel, an enemy of America, widely believed to be doing Satan’s work? So why would Hilton, also possessed of evil, wish one of his diabolic compadres dead? Geez Louise, the devil works in mysterious ways.)
But I digress.
Prejean, a virginal 22-year-old (one can only assume that as a good Christian, she is saving herself for marriage), clearly would rather have kept her personal views to herself. Hilton, however, forced her into an untenable position, knowing that she would take God’s side. And even more impressive, President Obama’s!
No offense, but if God had given the thumbs-up to same-sex marriage, then bodies, in their natural state, would look different.
(Wait. This part is confusing, too. Didn’t Prejean’s body look different in its natural state? Credit for her voluptuousness goes to a plastic surgeon, not God. Sweet niblets! Moral relativism is a hard subject.)
But I digress.
Thousands of fans have rallied to Prejean, offering support, reassuring her that her enemies will not win, despite their despicable tactics. Imagine stooping so low, to go dig up that one teensy photograph in which the poor woman had momentarily lost her shirt and bra. OK, maybe there were two photos. OK, maybe a few. But those last ones where she wore that cute vest on the beach? It was a windy day! There were no buttons. The flaps flew open. No doubt Satan at work again, tempting her to violate pageant rules.
As we leave this sordid affair behind, let us view Prejean’s plight as a cautionary tale. Let us be reminded how dangerous it is for the righteous to speak their minds on the sanctity of opposite marriage.
Let us not be fooled by those faithful gay and lesbian couples who have spent decades together, raising children — either adopted or of their own genetic making. Let us not allow our moral strength to falter when we are confronted by homosexuals fighting for their country, and teaching civil rights in our high schools’ social-studies classes, and saving lives in our emergency rooms and hospitals, and giving us great interior-decorating ideas on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”
Instead, let us be thankful that cool heads prevailed over the forces of hypocrisy and political correctness and ... and ... and ... those other bad people who are trying to destroy the reputation of a good woman who has a brain as well as a beautiful, God-given (mostly) body.
The Donald speaks
Let us recall the words of Donald Trump, a man of excellent judgment and refined taste and owner of the Miss Universe organization, who valiantly stepped in to absolve Prejean of any alleged lapses in judgment and declare that Carrie will retain her tiara, because, “this is the 21st century.”
Let us be reassured that there has been no cover-up, no effort spared getting to the bottom of the scandal. “We’ve really studied these photos,” he said at a much-anticipated news conference last week. “We’ve made a determination that everything we’ve seen to date that she’s done — some were very beautiful, some were risque — the pictures taken were acceptable, were fine, and in some cases were lovely pictures.”
And finally, let us, the media, ask forgiveness. For as The Great Trump has spoken, “You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.”
X Melissa Dribben is a reporter for Philadelphia Inquirer. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune.