Single mom needs to dump loser boyfriend

Dear Annie: My girlfriend, “Inez,” has been a single mom for 14 years. After many months, she met a man online. “Sam” is a nice guy when he isn’t drinking. He is in his late 40s and was just diagnosed with emphysema along with other medical conditions. He knows he needs to quit smoking, but he is having a hard time, which I understand. He doesn’t have a job, so Inez bought him a car so he could get back and forth to his parents’ house. He takes care of his mother, who is ill.

The real problem is this: When Sam drinks he gets very nasty to everyone, including Inez. When she drinks with him, the situation turns into a shouting match. They recently had a disagreement and he didn’t call for a few days. She found out from his family that he was in jail, picked up for a DUI. Of course she jumped in to bail him out. It was his third offense, and he now faces jail time.

Inez’s daughter does not get along with Sam and can’t understand what her mother sees in him. I want to be supportive, but I, too, don’t understand the appeal. I like her company, but when Sam is around, things are different. Should I tell her how I really feel? Best Friend

Dear Friend: Yes, but do it with concern. Explain that you find it difficult to be with her when she is drinking and when she is under Sam’s influence. Let her know you think she’s a great gal who deserves better. Of course, unless Inez agrees, she will continue to pursue the loser boyfriend and there is nothing you can do about it. Sorry.

Dear Annie: My cousin “John” is almost 40 and still lives at home. I speak with his widowed mother every few days, and each time she complains about how she doesn’t like the way John talks to her and that he comes home at all hours of the night. She says she can’t go on with him living there and doesn’t know what to do. When I say she should kick him out, she makes excuses why he can’t leave — “It’s too expensive,” “He won’t look at apartments,” etc.

Last night, my aunt called again to complain about John and ask for advice. This time, when she made excuses, I blew up and told her she just likes to complain. She immediately got huffy and said she had to get off the phone.

How can I help her realize she’s doing more harm than good for both of them? Melissa in Frustrationville

Dear Melissa: Your aunt doesn’t want John to move out, but she enjoys the attention and sympathy she gets by complaining. Your honest appraisal simply annoys her. You might try talking to your cousin and mentioning that he seems a little long in the tooth to be living with Mommy. But we doubt it will help.

Dear Annie: Your answer to “N.C.” surprised me. She said her friend asked her to return a leather jacket she had given her 14 years ago now that she can fit into it again.

Fourteen years is a very long time. Even someone who has committed a crime is protected by the statute of limitations. So are we to think that anything freely given is subject to recall by the giver? I can’t believe the friend would actually ask for her coat back after all this time. A Gift is a Gift in New York

Dear N.Y.: It is unusual. But we were surprised by the number of readers who would rather have the jacket than the friendship.

Dear Readers: Don’t forget to set your clocks ahead before you go to sleep tonight. And if you haven’t changed the batteries in your smoke alarms or carbon monoxide detectors recently, please do that, too.

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