Is staying together for son’s sake really what’s best for him?

Dear Annie: My wife and I are in our late 40s, married 17 years, and have a 14-year-old son. We are not rich, but we have a beautiful home, new cars and many luxuries. Apparently, my wife still felt she was missing something.

I recently discovered she had been texting and calling her ex-husband, sometimes as often as 10 times a day, for the past 10 months. When I confronted her, she said she just wanted to catch up on old times. I can understand a phone call or two, but 50 of them is more than “How are you doing?” When pressed, my wife said she had met her ex for drinks a couple of times. They also met once at a dog park and twice at a friend’s house. She also admitted he had asked her to have sex, although she adamantly denies that she cooperated. I am pretty much convinced otherwise, but she’d never tell me because she knows I’d ask her to pack her bags.

The truth is, the intimacy we once had has diminished in recent years, so in a way, I don’t blame her. But my trust is completely gone and will never be restored. I have stopped all sexual contact with her, and as far as I’m concerned, the marriage is over. However, I come from a divorced family and never want my son to experience that. So I told my wife we will remain together for his sake and divorce when he is older and it will have less impact. Meanwhile, we are both free to do whatever we choose with the stipulation that neither of us shoves it in the other’s face.

Now she desperately wants to save the marriage, and I have absolutely zero interest in doing so. Is my suggestion the healthiest alternative for my son? If not, how do I minimize the detrimental effect a divorce would have? For My Son’s Sake

Dear FMSS: Children benefit from a stable two-parent home, but you seem too angry to pull it off. Married or divorced, parents must demonstrate respect for each other and put the child’s interests first. If you “don’t blame” your wife for being dissatisfied, you might find a way to forgive her, and that would be the best outcome for everyone. Please consider counseling so you can work on that, whether you stay together or not.

Dear Annie: I am 41 years old and have been living with irritable bowel syndrome for 15 years. I am currently on medications three times a day, but they are not working. I asked my specialist if counseling might help, and she said probably not for the IBS.

Annie, I am at the end of my rope. I constantly worry about having gas or an accident in public. I stress all day at work, which makes the symptoms worse. I sometimes take medication for anxiety, and I know I shouldn’t, but I feel I have no choice. Life is no longer any fun. Would a psychiatrist help? At the End of My Rope

Dear End: Probably. Stress can aggravate IBS, and an antidepressant is actually recommended in many cases, although you have to take it consistently for it to be effective. If the medication you are currently taking is not working, you should discuss alternatives such as changes in your diet, limiting trigger foods such as fat, dairy or caffeine, getting more exercise, etc. For more information and help, contact the International Foundation for Functional Gastrointestinal Disorders (aboutibs.org) at (888) 964-2001.

Dear Annie: I couldn’t believe your answer to “Confused in Tulsa,” who saw pictures of his girlfriend on another man’s lap. What else has he not seen? Since she is a girlfriend of five months, I’d tell him to say goodbye and move on. Let her work out her honesty issues with someone else. Feel Better

Dear Better: We are more forgiving than you, but the decision is his.

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