If daughter is a deadbeat, she needs to pay

Kathy mitchell and Marcy sugar \ Annie’s Mailbox

Dear Annie: My wife recently went into a restaurant where our daughter had once worked. She casually mentioned our daughter’s name, saying she used to be employed there a few years ago. A worker behind the counter walked over to my wife and, in a very angry tone, said my daughter had bought a car from another co-worker and had left town without paying for it. She still apparently owes the money after four years.

My wife was embarrassed and ashamed and left the restaurant in a hurry. Should I tell my daughter we know about the car and insist that she pay this person? Crimes in California

Dear Crimes: Absolutely. Taking the car without paying for it is theft. We’ll give your daughter the benefit of the doubt and assume there is a misunderstanding. We would not like to think she skipped town to avoid payment. Ask her what happened and see if you can clear it up. She needs to make this right.

Dear Annie: My wife and I lost our 30-year-old son to a careless driver three months ago. He left behind two beautiful children and a devastated family. Our grief has been overwhelming. My wife and I have managed to get back to work, and we’re keeping up with household chores and getting out with our friends. But my wife can keep up the facade for just so long. Her heart is broken, and at least once a day, something reminds her of him so powerfully that she breaks down and cries.

The problem is my wife’s sisters. Initially they were full of comfort and solace, and my wife was able to talk with them for hours and let it out. Now, though, they think she should “get over it and get on with her life.” When she can’t refrain from crying, they tell her she needs to get help. It seems her grief has become annoying and uncomfortable for them, and they don’t want to deal with it anymore. Last night she was visiting them and began sobbing. They went inside the house and left her to cry in the yard alone.

Annie, the loss of a child is like no other grief you can imagine. You don’t get over it. You may learn to adapt and live with it, but you will never be completely whole again. Every event, every holiday, every birthday will remind us of him.

We’re attending meetings at The Compassionate Friends, and that helps, but the only cure is time. Please tell your readers if they know someone who has suffered this terrible loss to provide open ears and open arms. Please don’t get impatient for the healing process to be over. Just be there. A Grieving Dad

Dear Dad: Our hearts are breaking for you, and we know you are devastated. But you are right that others cannot appreciate the depth of your grief, and consequently, they are not equipped to handle the unending flow of tears. They want to help, but nothing they do makes a difference and they become frustrated. Please stop expecting them to fulfill this need. It is asking a great deal. Your wife’s relationship with her sisters will be better served if she (and you) talk to a professional grief counselor. Please make an appointment soon.

Dear Annie: I read with sadness the letter from “Hurting,” who felt betrayed by her husband’s cross-dressing. My first wife didn’t understand and accused me of being gay. My second wife is kinder. I have my “playtime” when she visits her married daughter. I never go out in public like this. It is a private, intimate thing.

I was raised by my grandmother and two older sisters, and dressing up was what we did to play. I never feel “pretty” when I do it. Thank you for your open-mindedness. It took lots of counseling to make me feel I was not a terrible person. I feel good about myself now and believe that I am a better husband for it. Dressiebilly in Florida

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