Derek’s disgruntled friend plants seed of doubt

Dear Annie: My husband and I are good friends with three other couples. The guys often go on golf trips — sometimes with their wives, sometimes without. During the last trip, my husband, “Derek,” had a disagreement with “Tim.” There’s always drinking, and this time the two of them actually got into a physical fight. At any rate, they are still playing golf together so apparently it’s OK now.

However, Tim came to me and said Derek has been having an affair with one of the other guy’s wives and he’s tired of covering for him. Tim asked me not to mention this to Derek or the other woman, because they will deny it. He suggested instead that I follow Derek on the weekend and find out for myself.

I tried that, with no result. So, do I confront Derek or keep up this detective game? I’m not too happy playing the adoring, accommodating wife if this is true. No Name in Wisconsin

Dear Wisconsin: Tim may still hold a grudge against Derek and therefore have an ulterior motive to hurt him. Has your husband or this other woman given you any reason to be suspicious? If not, can you put your doubts behind you? Otherwise, you need to discuss your worries with Derek and give him the opportunity to assuage your fears or confirm your suspicions. (Don’t drag Tim’s name into it.)

If, after speaking to Derek, you still aren’t sure, ask him to come with you for marriage counseling so you can tackle your concerns together.

Dear Annie: I’ve been married to “Ken” for five years. The last two, he has changed. He tells me the same things over and over, and asks the same questions again and again. When we have the grandkids, he must ask me a dozen times or more what time the kids need to be at school.

He has also developed a terrible temper. He yells at me for no reason and with contempt in his voice, like the time the battery in the smoke detector started beeping and he shouted that it was all my fault. There is no reasoning with him. I sent a note to his physician asking him to do some testing, but the doctor didn’t even bring up the subject at his annual physical and Ken has already said he won’t take any medicine.

Ken is still sharp on a lot of things, but the stress is too much for me. I don’t know this man anymore and he makes me nervous. Please help. Indiana

Dear Indiana: An extreme change in behavior can indicate a serious medical problem, perhaps early dementia or a neurological abnormality. It’s possible the doctor did speak to Ken, but Ken didn’t want you to know and the doctor is not at liberty to discuss it. Tell Ken you love him and are worried about his health. Offer to go with him to talk to the doctor. You also should get some counseling, with or without Ken, so you can find ways to deal with the stress.

Dear Annie: As a recovering alcoholic, I know many people do not know how to deal with those in recovery. I’d like to make some suggestions.

Please do not hesitate to invite a recovering person to an event where alcohol is served. If the recovering person feels uncomfortable attending, he or she will say so. If you have alcohol in your homes, don’t hide it. You may think you are doing that person a favor, but many in recovery feel this is a sign they cannot be trusted. Ask your friend how he or she is doing, but don’t constantly bring up the subject of drinking. We are not defined by our disease. Trying To Help

Dear Trying: This is good advice, but some recovering alcoholics may find an abundance of free liquor quite stressful. We hope they are willing to say so.

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