Their teenage son continues to make poor choices

Dear Annie: My soon-to-be 17-year-old son has been caught smoking pot several times in the past few years. He also recently became very close to a girl we don’t care for. She smokes pot as well, and I have reason to believe he may be sexually active with her. We have grounded him, taken away privileges, pushed him into drug counseling and other things, but as soon as he earns his freedom, he goes back to the same poor choices.

He gets reasonably good grades and is always polite to adults, so they think he’s a great kid. How do I get him to turn his life around before it’s too late? Worried Sick in New England

Dear Worried Sick: You need to talk to your son in a calm, loving, honest way without lecturing or judging. You won’t convince him to give up drugs or sex by yelling, punishing or worrying, so put your emphasis on how much you care about him.

He needs to trust what you are saying, so don’t overemphasize the dangers of pot and sex. Smoking pot doesn’t mean he will become a crack addict. It can, however, slow his reflexes and impair his judgment, so he should understand what that means in terms of driving, school work and behavior, and what happens if he is stopped for a traffic violation and pot is found in his car. Teens having sex, unfortunately, is not unusual and he needs to use protection to prevent an unwanted pregnancy and minimize the chance of contracting or transmitting an STD.

Sometimes kids use drugs and sex as self-medication when they are depressed, and if your son hasn’t had counseling for depression, please look into it. Meanwhile, keep the lines of communication open so it’s easy for your son to talk to you. Discuss what he wants for his future and how today’s choices will affect that. He values your opinion even if it doesn’t seem so. Hang in there, Mom.

Dear Annie: My husband works out of our house. “Larry” gets up early in the morning, grabs breakfast and then goes into his “office.” He comes out only for lunch and dinner, and works until midnight.

Larry doesn’t interact much with our children or me. He has no responsibilities around the house other than emptying the trash. He has no hobbies and few friends. Our social life has dwindled to nothing. I have no one to talk to and if I try to engage Larry in conversation, he claims it’s idle chitchat and he needs to work.

Annie, I am miserable and lonely. Larry seems uninterested in any sort of relationship with me. I don’t think we have anything in common. I doubt counseling would work. What should I do? Depressed in Massachusetts

Dear Depressed: When a spouse retreats so completely, there are often other factors involved. Counseling may not put your relationship back together, but it can help you change your behavior patterns and understand your options. Tell Larry you are unhappy enough to leave and you’d like him to see his doctor and also come with you for counseling. If he won’t go, go without him.

Dear Annie: After moving to my husband’s small town community, I found myself in a very similar situation as “Not the Land of Enchantment,” who was depressed because she hadn’t been able to make any friends.

A friend from my hometown suggested I contact an organization called MOMS Club, a support group for stay-at-home mothers. The group offers playmates and activities for my kids and me. And best of all, I’ve developed great friendships. I don’t know what I would have done without this wonderful group. Please tell “Enchantment” to visit www.momsclub.org to find out if there is a chapter in her area. Feeling Better Now

Dear Feeling Better: Many thanks for the great recommendation. We hope it helps.

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