Is he just too busy for baby?

Dear Annie: I have been married for three years to a wonderful man. He is gentle, thoughtful and works very hard. Let me clarify that: He will stay up until 2 or 3 a.m., come to bed and be up at 7 a.m. for work. Last Friday, he stayed up until 6 a.m. working on a computer problem for the church and then was up three hours later.

Someone once insinuated that maybe he isn’t really working all this time, but let me assure you, he is. He leaves his office door open, and I can walk in any time and find him hunched over a problem, oblivious to the world.

My husband has a fabulous income and has given me the opportunity to develop a small business. I’m not ungrateful. But I would like to have a baby. I come from a big loving family and am almost 30. My husband wants to wait. He says he’s “too busy” to be a father right now. Annie, he will always be busy. He is a workaholic and likes it that way.

Twice in the past two years he has given me a date when we would start trying for a family. Both times he reneged. There is almost no hope of an “accident,” because he is militaristic in his use of birth control.

I have tried every tactic I can think of, from citing medical references about why it is healthier to start sooner rather than later to not talking about it at all. I’m at a loss. My bio-clock is ticking so loudly I can hardly hear anything else.

When we were dating, he assured me he wanted children. I’ve been in counseling for a year for depression. Please help me. Barren in Boise

Dear Boise: Your workaholic husband isn’t interested in changing his routine, but he owes it to you to keep his promises. Your biological clock should tick for a while longer, so don’t panic, but if he refuses to make a sincere commitment to starting a family, insist that he get counseling with you. (And we hope you’re prepared to raise those children alone, because he will always be at work.)

Dear Annie: I have a friend in her 30s who recently lost 100 pounds through hard work and exercise. She looks fantastic. The problem is, along with the weight, she seems to have lost her mind. She has been running around on her husband, and is talking about divorce and leaving behind her 8-year-old daughter to move to a city 500 miles away for some guy she met on the Internet.

I’m scared for her safety, worried about the choices she is making and, well, disgusted at her behavior. How do I remain supportive as a friend, yet smack her in the head and tell her to grow up? Arizona

Dear Arizona: Your friend considers herself so gorgeous now that she wants to make up for lost time, and recklessness is part of the appeal. In a few months, she’ll settle down, but by then it may be too late to undo the damage. Unfortunately, in her current state of mind, she is unlikely to listen to any advice. All you can do is make it clear that abandoning her child will affect the girl permanently and her daughter may never forgive or trust her again. Maybe that will sink in.

Dear Annie: “Fed Up With Our Son” said they weren’t allowed to see the grandchildren, who live next door, because they wouldn’t sign some papers for the parents. Even after they signed them, they still can’t see the kids. You should have told them to stand outside with signs telling their grandkids they love them. They can also sue for grandparent visitation. Angry Grandpa

Dear Angry: Grandparent visitation is a state-by-state issue, and most lawyers recommend a third-party mediator before going to court. For those who need help, contact the Grandparents Rights Organization (grandparentsrights.org), 100 W. Long Lake Rd., Suite 250, Bloomfield Hills, MI 48304.

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