Browns’ backer lets off steam

Since this is the sports section and I am a sportswriter, I usually try to keep other issues out of my writing.

Today, I am going to make an exception.

Maybe it’s due to Obama-mania or just a greater sense of my duty as a citizen, but lately I’ve been trying to do things to make this world a better place.

For instance, I believe recycling is very important.

Why, just a few days ago, when I got my post-Super Bowl Sports Illustrated in the mail, I tore off the front cover, ran over to the recycling bin and threw it in. I even stomped on it a few times, just to make sure the other residents at my apartment complex would have plenty of room to recycle their used paper. That’s the kind of selfless person I am.

I also believe vigorous exercise is important, which is why, once I got into my apartment and started flipping through the magazine, I repeatedly threw it against the wall, kicked it a few times and began tearing pages out of it, particularly in the middle section.

Fitness experts will tell you that these exercises will increase your heart rate and, in the case of the latter activity, build up strength in your hands, which can be used for opening jars or changing channels. Considering the epidemic of child obesity that’s sweeping across our country, I consider it my responsibility to set a good example for the kids out there.

But I didn’t stop there. One of the hallmarks of being a 21st century male is being in touch with your emotional side. Which is why, when a few of the ripped-out pages caught my eye, I started sobbing uncontrollably. This can do wonders for your psyche, not to mention save you thousands on future therapist bills.

And, as any pastor will tell you, one of the keys to your emotional well-being is a strong spiritual foundation.

So I turned to Psalms 35, which encourages those courageous Valley natives who are loyal to their homeland while the Philistines among us profess loyalty to the evil empire just south and east of us:

“Do not let lying foes smirk at me, my undeserved enemies wink knowingly.

Defend me because you are just, Lord; my God, do not let them gloat over me.

Do not let them say in their hearts, ‘Aha! Just what we wanted!’

Do not let them say, ‘We have devoured that one!’

But let those who favor my just cause shout for joy and be glad.”

Alas, some northeast Ohioans have been tempted to join the traitors’ ranks. This is akin to living in France during World War II and cheering for Germany because, hey, they always win, right?

Don’t. The night is always darkest before the dawn, the flu is always worst before it breaks and Pittsburgh’s future always looks brightest just before Hines Ward comes down with a debilitating case of Monkeypox.

As the immortal Winston Churchill once said, “If you are going through hell, keep going. Also, Steelers fans wet the bed.”

In fairness, many of those fans are doing their part to help our country.

One of the reasons our economy has stalled over the last few months is due to a lack of consumer confidence. House and car sales are crucial, of course, but a capitalistic society depends on people buying useless crap which is why it’s so encouraging to see all the Steelers gear flying off the shelves.

The downside is, buying that merchandise forces people to get in their cars and burn fuel. For our country to remain a power, we need to develop alternative energy sources.

One way to do this is to take discarded Sports Illustrated pages, put them in a pile and set them on fire, warming your house for at least a few minutes.

But that doesn’t go far enough.

Saving a few cents on oil or electricity is fine, but our main problem is gas, which funds terrorism, fuels pollution and creates a large carbon footprint.

Fortunately, I’ve come up with an innovative solution.

Cancel NASCAR.

X Joe Scalzo covers sports for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.