Real reasons for Oscar nominations

By BARRY KOLTNOW

You know who has been nominated. I know who has been nominated. Everybody knows who has been nominated.

But does anybody know why they were nominated?

The 5,810 voting members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences would like you to believe that Oscar nominations are based solely on merit. If you believe that, you probably believe that a film released early in the year has a chance to be nominated in the best motion picture category.

For the record, the release dates of this year’s best picture nominees are: Nov. 12 (“Slumdog Millionaire”), Nov. 26 (“Milk”), Dec. 5 (“Frost/Nixon”), Dec. 12 (“The Reader”) and Dec. 25 (“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”).

Anyway, that is a discussion for another day.

Today, we are going to concentrate on the acting categories.

I have seen all of the performances, and they are all worthy of notice. But so were a lot of other performances this year. How did academy voters whittle the number to five in each category? There has to be something other than merit at work here, and we will attempt to uncover it.

But, first, a disclaimer: The following is not based on anything more substantial than hunches, suspicions and rumor. In other words, the conclusions were reached the usual way.

Best actor: Richard Jenkins — The voters felt sorry for him because he was outstanding in a movie released early in the year, and they were trying to make up for ignoring his movie (“The Visitor”) in the top category. Also, he is just the kind of veteran character actor who gets a late-career reward in the supporting actor category. But his studio threw the academy a curve by pushing him as best actor.

Best actor: Frank Langella — Once dated Whoopi Goldberg, who once hosted the Oscars. OK, there’s more to the nomination than that. He did a tremendous job humanizing Richard Nixon, which is Oscar-worthy in itself. At the same time, he made Nixon look pretty bad, and that screams Oscar nomination in this town. Need we remind you of Anthony Hopkins’ nomination in the 1995 Oliver Stone film “Nixon?”

Best actor: Sean Penn — Because there is a new sheriff in Washington, academy voters are anxious to prove that they no longer support the Bush administration’s contention that Penn is a traitor who happens to be an excellent actor. All is apparently forgiven, and Penn is clearly the frontrunner in this category. Whether he will make a political statement in his acceptance speech remains to be seen, but the ratings-conscious academy certainly hopes for the best. Controversy breeds ratings.

Best actor: Brad Pitt — They nominated him so he’ll bring Angelina.

Best actor: Mickey Rourke — Who goes to the circus and doesn’t expect to see a clown? That is not meant to take away from his riveting performance in “The Wrestler,” but the Oscars telecast has gotten boring in recent years, and Mickey is never boring.

Best actress: Anne Hathaway — She not only has the sympathy vote because of that horrific personal relationship, but she seems to be sweet and wholesome, and Hollywood loves when a sweet and wholesome actress plays a nasty character.

Best actress: Angelina Jolie — They nominated her so she’ll bring Brad.

Best actress: Melissa Leo — One of the most familiar names in Hollywood. I’m kidding; I never heard of her, either. Perhaps this is the exception that makes the rule concerning nominating actors on merit alone.

Best actress: Meryl Streep — Isn’t there a law that she has to be nominated for every performance? The academy would have liked to have nominated her for “Mamma Mia” as well, but it would look too obvious.

Best actress: Kate Winslet — With two potential Oscar-nominated performances this year, she got nominated for the role with nudity. The academy loves naked Kate.

Best supporting actor: Josh Brolin — They nominated him so his stepmother (Barbra Streisand) might show up. At the very least, his wife (Diane Lane) will be there.

Best supporting actor: Robert Downey Jr. — A white dude playing a black dude playing another black dude. The voters were so confused that they nominated him on sheer chutzpah alone.

Best supporting actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman — They figure that if he’s good enough to win for best actor, then he’s certainly good enough to be nominated as best supporting actor.

Best supporting actor: Heath Ledger — Sexy, tragic and dead. A winning combination at any awards show.

Best supporting actor: Michael Shannon — The academy likes to go out of its way to nominate an unknown actor to prove that it isn’t locked in to the usual suspects.

Best supporting actress: Amy Adams — The academy thought it would be fun to nominate everybody in “Doubt.”

Best supporting actress: Penelope Cruz — Voters love a crazy woman with cleavage, particularly in a Woody Allen film.

Best supporting actress: Viola Davis — See Amy Adams.

Best supporting actress: Taraji P. Henson — A clever way of saying that she carried Brad Pitt in “Benjamin Button.”

Best supporting actress: Marisa Tomei — A former winner in this category, and she looked good naked.