‘Rob’ seems content to relive his childhood

Dear Annie: I have been seeing “Rob” for over a year. We have loads of fun together and genuinely love each other. The problem is, Rob doesn’t seem overly interested in moving in together, getting married or having kids, and he knows that’s a deal breaker for me. I can understand his hesitation about marriage. He was married before and his wife had children from her first marriage, but it didn’t work out and they divorced years ago.

We each have our own homes, but Rob will not consider selling his so we could get a place together. I think it’s important for a couple to find a place they can both call home. His place is bigger, but it needs a lot of work. It’s the home he grew up in, and it would always be his, not ours. Plus, his mom moved in with him a few years back and is still living there. He’s been saying for months that it’s time for her to find her own place, but he won’t discuss it with her. And she still makes his meals and does his laundry.

How can I make him see that at this stage in his life he should know what it’s like to live on his own or he will never be able to figure out whether he wants to have a life with someone else? I am not trying to force our relationship into marriage, but neither of us is getting any younger. When is it time to move on? Nutcase in N.Y.

Dear N.Y.: Yesterday. This is a grown man, still living in his childhood home with his mother who cooks and cleans for him. He’s made it clear that he’s not ready for marriage and may never want children. You can issue an ultimatum, since you’ll have nothing to lose by walking away. Otherwise, decide whether you love him enough to stay in this situation indefinitely. We can’t promise there will be anything more.

Dear Annie: Many years ago, my parents made big wedding plans for me, but my fianc and I eloped instead. Shortly after, I moved back to my home state and went through another wedding ceremony because I didn’t have the courage to tell my parents I was already married. Two years later, I divorced.

My question is, since I was legally married in two states and only divorced in one, am I still married where I eloped? Twice Married, One Divorce

Dear Twice: You don’t have to divorce in the same state in which you had your wedding. There is usually a residency requirement to qualify for a divorce, so if you were legally divorced in the state where you and your ex-husband lived, it will be recognized everywhere.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Color Blind,” whose mother’s husband disapproves of her adopting a child of another race. Thirty-five years ago, my father forbade me to adopt. He said the children were “somebody else’s trash and trouble.” We adopted a daughter when she was 3 days old. He refused to call our child by her name until she was 5.

My mother adored the baby, but sadly, she died when our daughter was 18 months old. My father’s mother told Dad that he was wrong and any children of mine were his grandchildren. Nine years later, we adopted our second daughter. When I made the announcement to my sister, her reply was, “Is it black or white?” This child has a much more outgoing personality and spoke directly to my father, which he hated.

Dad is now missing out on two great-grandchildren. He wrote me out of his will to make sure my children will never inherit anything from him. All we ever wanted was his love. They say we can’t pick our relatives, but sometimes you get the privilege of choosing your family, which makes it precious. Sharon in Pennsylvania

Dear Sharon: It’s unfortunate your father can’t open up his heart, because it creates a sad situation for all of you. But he’s the one who has lost out the most.

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