Husband’s infatuation is destroying marriage

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. I know in my heart he is faithful, but he recently started working with a female who is younger and very flirtatious, and I’m worried. Many of his co-workers say this woman cheats on her husband, and some think she and my husband are having an affair. He says they are just friends, but since they began working together, he has been less than truthful.

I found out this woman has been to our house when I’ve been out. They meet for lunch a few times a month, but he doesn’t take me out anymore. I have caught him texting, calling and e-mailing her. The few times I have met her, she’s made me feel awful. She won’t talk to me, focuses only on my husband and then tells him I’m not nice enough to him.

I have told my husband how inappropriate her behavior is, but he says it’s my imagination. He seems to be more concerned with her feelings than mine. We used to talk about everything, but now he hides things. Our sex life has taken a downturn. He says he just isn’t into sex anymore, but while cleaning, I found porn on his computer.

Is he having a midlife crisis or an emotional affair? Before her, our marriage was good. He always used to compliment me. Now he says after 10 years, he shouldn’t have to. But whenever he talks about her, he can’t say enough flattering things. When I try to talk about how this makes me feel, he gets mad and walks away. I have suggested marriage counseling, but he says there’s no need. How do I get him to see what is happening to us? Dreamer

Dear Dreamer: Your husband is infatuated with this woman and believes he is keeping it a secret. Bringing her into your home crossed a line. Tell him the marriage is at risk and you would like him to go with you for counseling. If he refuses, go without him and figure out what your best course of action is.

Dear Annie: We love our little grandchildren and enjoy spending time with them. However, our youngest son is upset because we set limits on how often and how late we will baby-sit in our home. He and his wife live 45 minutes away, and it requires both my husband and me to care for their kids. Many times, they don’t pick up the kids until 10 p.m. My husband has to get up very early in the morning and this tires him out.

Last week I offered to baby-sit at their home, but they said “no thanks.” I told them the children are welcome to visit any time and we will baby-sit once a month, though not so late at night. Are we wrong to expect them to hire someone otherwise? They can afford it. Used Grandparents

Dear Grandparents: Some children expect the grandparents to be free baby-sitters, but that is not your responsibility. It’s nice when you can do it, but not when it interferes with your sleep, your work or your fondness for them.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Concerned Daughter,” whose mother is doing rehab work in a nursing home. She asked if Mom might do better elsewhere.

Please suggest she talk to the long-term care ombudsman in her area. All states have long-term care ombudsmen, responsible for investigating and helping to resolve complaints, advocating for the residents’ care, quality of life and dignity, and providing information and referrals for residents, families and others.

She can get more information through the National Long-Term Care Ombudsman Resource Center (LTCombudsman.org or nccnhr.org), 1828 L Street, NW, Suite 801, Washington, D.C. 20036. Ombudsman Advocacy Services, Bishop, Calif.

Dear Bishop: Thanks for the excellent suggestion. We hope it helps.

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